We're Engaged!!!!!

Yes! The title says it all. Micah proposed last night (January 16th). Although I knew it was coming (the goal of our relationship was always marriage and we spent time talking about it), it's still unbelievable when it's actually happening. I can honestly say I was not expecting it last night so he did a good job throwing me off and confusing me about the actual date he would propose! 

He wrote a brief version of how we met and became a couple and although the story is basically the same; I wanted to share my version. I moved to Mississippi in August 2013 to pursue a PhD. The PhD was always the plan, but Mississippi was not. I had no interest in moving here. I remember thinking, "Lord really? Mississippi? What's in Mississippi? I'm really going to be single for the rest of my life, but your will be done!" I had given up on guys and relationships after a few unsuccessful and dysfunctional ones and I was honestly growing in my relationship with the Lord. So that was my focus! 

So I got here and went to a Pinky Promise meet and greet and met some amazing women! Eboni organized it and I'm so happy she obeyed God and did just that. She is friends with Micah and he saw pictures we took that day. Apparently he began following me on Instagram that same day, but I honestly don't remember.A few months later, he liked a picture I posted on Instagram and I went to his page when I received the notification to see who this person was. Scrolled through his timeline, saw a few selfies, friends, and a whole lotta Jesus :) so i clicked the follow button because I could see that he posted quite a few encouraging and convicting posts about God's word etc. 

We began talking here and there on Instagram, then InstaDM about scripture and sermons. There was no flirting, no compliments, nada. It was the first time I experienced a guy talking to me without ever mentioning how I looked, or asking to take me out/meet up. We spoke about sermons and Jesus. I never heard God say "this is the one" or anything like that, but I do recall being intrigued because he felt so different and the conversations he was interested in having. I truly felt like he cared about my spiritual growth as a friend. Late December/early January I noticed that he was messaging me a bit more on instadm and at this point I looked forward to hearing from him. So I gave him my number. 

Yes I did lol. Honestly, I was sick and tired of using InstaDm and I had some weirdos messaging me on the app so I wanted to delete it. We immediately transitioned to texting and later on he asked if we could meet for the first time. I felt peace about the meeting and said "sure". I remember praying before meeting him and asking God to be in the midst. I really wanted to do things differently and to please him. That first time we met we spoke for 4 hours with no awkward silences. It was amazing! The next week we had our real first date (dinner) and moved forward from there. Throughout this time we are talking (a lot) and prior to making it official he asked me to list the things that concerned me about us moving forward in a courtship. I was blown away. Who is this man Lord? Guys do these things? LOL I wrote my list, he wrote his, we talked about it, resolved any concerns etc. and agreed that we were ready for the next step! 

These past 11 months have not been easy by any means. We've had arguments, we've cried, we've been stressed, and cried out to God through it all. Relationships are work, however if two people are truly committed to something bigger than themselves it can and will work. We were both committed to Christ (still committed). We chose to love each other in those moments where one of us was unlovable because of our love for God. We are not perfect. Far from it. We need God's grace, love, and forgiveness daily, but we are committed to HIM and then to each other. He is and will always be first. 

I want to encourage ladies who may be reading this. The goal is not to find somebody like Micah, somebody like Tom, or Kyle, or whoever else. The goal should always be getting closer to God and growing in him. If you desire to be married, then the only thing you should desire is a man after God's own heart who loves him and who loves you. Don't copy others or try to turn someone you like into somebody else. God is an amazing Creator. He needs no help in that department. 

Lastly, I want to stress that Micah pursued me. We did not pursue each other and I definitely did not pursue him. I know people may say we are in 2015 and all that, but I'm not buying all that because the one time I did something different, the results changed (keepin' it real). I did not call him or text him first. I never asked him out. I did not tell him he was handsome or that I liked him. I did not let him know that I was intrigued by his conversations either. It's not about lying or playing games. It's about guarding your heart and talking to God about how you feel. I was so focused on guarding my heart that Micah waited for quite some time to even get a hug from me. After our first real date, I just said thank you so much and waved goodbye. I wanted no emotional attachment whatsoever because I had no idea how this was going to turn out. Your job during that getting to know each other phase is to observe him. Listen to him. Is he simply talking the talk? Or is he actually living it. 

Observe how he treats you and what he talks about the most as well. Micah did not want me emotionally attached to him either. As I said, there were no pet names, telling me I was beautiful or intimacy (that could mean deep secrets or physically as well), so he helped the process. He literally prayed before speaking to me or doing anything because he said he did not want to mess my life up or break my heart if he truly was not ready. That's beyond attractive to me. To think that prior to loving me, he was still loving me and protecting my heart. I want everyone who desires that to experience that, but it will mean letting some things go and doing some things differently. 

I can't wait to marry my best friend and continue this journey God has graced us with...good times and bad. Thanks for the  well wishes everyone 

All I see is $$$..

Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless-like chasing the wind. -Ecclesiastes 6:9 

These past few weeks my boyfriend, Micah (Hey babe :)) and I had talks about life, money, careers, purpose, and bills. I've said it before in blogs and I'll say it again---I can be a huge worry wart. Fear, anxiety and worry are major struggles of mine and to this day I still experience situations where I am overwhelmed and I need to practice surrendering to God daily. I don't want to present the picture that life is easy and Christians don't have problems. Life is NOT easy and Christians have problems (the enemy is like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 1 peter 5:8) 

During these conversations Micah reminded me that God is and will always be our ultimate Provider. Provider with a capital P because it's that serious and I think it's a truth that many individuals, many professing Christians, including myself, have a hard time comprehending. We live in a world that screams " Go get it. Get that money. You need to work your butt off. Make your own way. Open your own doors. Look out for you first. Do what makes you happy. If it does not make you money you shouldn't do it. More money equals a happier life. Money solves everything." I could go on and on. We see or hear these messages 24/7 via the media or observing the lives of individuals who "appear" to have it altogether despite the fact that God's word says otherwise. 

I have a tendency at times to think like this... If only I had or I would do this if.."If only I had X amount of money I would be able to do X, Y, or Z. I sure do hope that I get *insert whatever you desire someday here* in a few years." It may seem harmless, but this type of thinking can set you up for some serious problems, specifically discontentment and falling away from God and pursuing your own desires. Micah corrected me (and it's so important to have individuals, friends, loved ones etc. who correct us, challenge us and hold us accountable) and said, "When you say things like that you make it seem like you're chasing money. We aren't called to chase money babe. I refuse to chase money. I chase God. If God wants us to have X amount of money we will. More money in many cases means more problems. Remember that." -----My first response was to be defensive of course. That's not what I meant. I'm not chasing money! The next day during my quiet time I opened my bible and it was on the book of Ecclesiastes. I decided to stay there and just read through chapter 5 and 6. I encourage you to read the book and those chapters specifically. I was convicted and after reading, I quickly prayed, repented and shared with Micah. 

Those who love money will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth-except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers!--Ecclesiastes 5:10-11 

Here was King Solomon, the richest man in his day, writing about money and was basically saying it was NOT the recipe for happiness. As a man who actually had money I want to believe he knew what he was talking about, not to mention he was also the wisest. If you need a more recent example, think about the celebs you follow on social media or who entertain you. Think about Robin Williams... he had money and fame and he took his own life as a result of depression. You see, money is NEVER the answer. Solomon clearly shows that throughout the books he wrote found in the bible. Chasing money, the pleasures of this world, success, fame or whatever else we've been conditioned to work hard for is meaningless--like chasing the wind. We are here today, gone tomorrow. You could get money today and die leaving it behind tomorrow. That's real. Why are you working your butt off? Is it to make lots of money? To be famous one day? To appear to have it altogether for the outside world? 

Now you may be saying, "So what Nto, I shouldn't work? The bible says a man that does not work should not eat!" You are absolutely right. Of course I am not saying you should not work. You need to work and you need money to take care of things. This post is about your heart and why you spend time doing the things you do. The Holy Spirit reminded me through his word and through Micah that a life focused on loving God and fulfilling HIS purpose far outweighs a life where I am focused on "making it" and chasing money. 

Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there's no use arguing with God about your destiny. --Ecclesiastes 6:10

You see, God is sovereign in everything. If he wants you to make only 40 grand a year that's what you're going to make. If he wants you making 100 grand a year, well that's what you're going to make. But ask yourself this, what is the purpose behind you wanting to make more money? Is it for purely selfish reasons? I want to vacation when I want to and where I want to. I want a nicer car. I want to give back more, I want to sponsor a child or children, build a church. I want to help my family more...Ask yourself. Remember God knows our hearts. In the book of James, James spoke about people praying and asking God for things for selfish reasons and expecting God to answer these prayers. Don't be that person. 

Lastly, I want to encourage anyone who is struggling with worry or financial difficulties. Rest assured that God sees you. Be content in whatever season you are in and remind yourself that God alone satisfies. He is your provider. Not your husband. Not your boss. Not that second income. God is your provider. He may USE people or avenues to accomplish his will, but HE is the one who holds your destiny. Chase him. Pursue him...not because you want his things, but because you want him. You need him. It is comforting knowing that God is sovereign and it's something I am working on in terms of reminding myself. Each day I wake up now knowing that yes, I have free will to make certain choices but God is sovereign through it all. 

Micah and I are only dating/courting right now, however we both desire to be married someday because that's God's will for our lives. We both are committed to having a marriage where although God has called him to lead and take care of our family, we know that it's God opening doors and giving us the wisdom to walk out our purpose. We will work and work as if we are working for the Lord himself, however money alone won't bring true happiness. Having money without God and his wisdom? We might as well be broke anyway. I'm praying for individuals, single, dating, married, divorced...who are struggling with worry and fear where money and status is concerned. Some of you may be having arguments or experiencing stress because of it. I pray over you regarding that as well. Dive in to the book of Ecclesiastes tonight... You won't regret it. 

Praying for you...

Mental Freedom...Where are you?

Lately I have found myself under attack. If it's one thing I've learned is this: problems don't go away simply because you're a christian. If anything, the attacks may be a little stronger. The difference is, I am no longer fighting alone. My strength is found in Jesus. However, I'm human. I cry, I get scared, I worry, I worry (yes I said that twice), I fall at times, and I care what people think...A LOT. 

Yes, I said it. Truth is, I think a lot of people care about what others think, but many pretend that they don't. Just like the people who rant and proclaim how gorgeous they are, and how great they are, are usually the ones with a great deal of insecurity issues. My struggle area (one of them) has always been people-pleasing. If everyone could be happy around me I'd love it. I have a really hard time saying "No, I can't do that," or "I really have too much on my plate right now, could you find someone else to help you?" Last semester, and even this summer, I pretty much bit off a little more than I could chew simply because I didn't know how to say no and because I don't know how to ask for help. My mother jokes around ever so often letting me know how independent I am. In my mind I am far from independent, but when I think about it some more, I really am. I would rather go without than asking for help. I'd rather suffer silently, then let someone know I'm hurting or in pain (emotionally) because I should have it together right? I mean, I have two degrees in Psychology and Counseling and I'm working on my third. If I don't have the answers who does right? ...Wrong. 

My people pleasing has a lot to do with me caring about what others think. Now to an extent, we should care about how we appear. We are (if you are a believer) a representative of Christ. However, my caring tends to go to another level...an unhealthy level...borderline obsession almost...to the point where I would rather hide in my space (room, keep my thoughts to myself etc) then go out and be seen by the public. It's me taking my introvert qualities to the extreme. I remember being in relationships in the past and saying yes to things I wanted to say no to. I remember being scared to actually rededicate my life to Christ because of what friends or people who knew some of the things I used to do would say. "Oh now, you wanna be a for real christian? you forgot when you did this x,y,z or when you encouraged me to do x,y,z?" Those thoughts and fears consumed me. I did get some backlash, I will admit. Today, not as much (probably because they see my walk with Christ is serious and not a "phase" it's been a few years :) Praise him!) But i passed those tests and I got through it. I relied on prayer and even just allowing time to pass to get through it. I was so excited when I realized the day I no longer cared what people who didn't believe in Jesus said about me. I felt like I won a medal. Thank you Jesus! I no longer worry about others. The stronghold is broken!!!! Until I realized other Christians could create those same fears...

What? It's not over? Are you telling me that I STILL have this problem? Why, Lord? Why? Now for the record, there are some believers and church groups who breathe on passing judgment and as a result of all their rules of what you can wear, do, like, listen to, or how to walk in a pair of heels...they scare unbelievers away. Heck, they scare me. But on the other hand, there are times where I feel (based on what somebody may say, or how they may look at me) that they think the worst of me or disagree with something I do or say. In other instances, our differences add to my fear and worry. I remember dreading being a pastor's wife (when someone said that could be my life). My response was instantly, "Oh I'm not pastor's wife material." Where did that come from? Several places: other believers, society, and my own fears. 

I've felt like I needed to be in a box and if I didn't do things the way other christians do things then I was wrong. I'm in tears just thinking about it because fitting in, finding acceptance, and most importantly finding love was a concern of mine. I don't know about you guys, but people can be mean. I remember being a young girl, probably like 12 years old and I was in sabbath school at church. I had a nice dress on, no sleeves and it was pretty. I loved it. An older teacher pulled me to the side and told me I shouldn't wear it again. I needed to be more covered. Note, my parents saw me leave. I left with them. Needless to say, my mom was pissed. My parents saw nothing wrong with my dress, but this "elder" in the church did. His approach was all wrong first of all, but secondly, it opened my eyes to a bunch of different things and I will never forget that feeling of being pulled to the side, being told I didn't look the part (i.e. the dress wasn't a good choice) and feeling misunderstood and wondering what all the other girls and boys thought about me that day. 

Ever so often, I still feel like that little girl. Misunderstood, a christian, but still an outcast looking in because I may not look the part or do things a little different, wondering what others think about me, scared to look them in the eye because of my fears. My fears. Paul said that his goal was to please God and if he was still pleasing men, he would not be a servant of Christ. Truth is, it's impossible to please everyone. Our focus, my focus has to be pleasing God at all times. His word says to Fear him, not man. I hope my transparency encourages someone and hey, who knows, if you have encouragement for me, please do share. It's so easy to put on masks, pretending that we have our lives all together. I learned last weekend this profound truth. 

The degree to which you are able to tell your story, is the degree to which you are able to heal-Stasi Eldredge 

I've healed in several areas. However, I still have some healing that needs to take place. We all do. Mental freedom is so necessary. Living for God and not for man. Realizing that yea, people may talk, and hey, maybe they won't. But regardless, of whether they do or not, my hope is in Jesus and not in them. Realizing that everyone won't understand me, or even agree with some of the things I do, but as long as I know I am right with God and following his guidance I will be okay. Realizing that people would say things that may hurt me, intentional and sometimes otherwise...but what God says about me is more important. He made me the way I am for a reason. My creativity or lack thereof :), My sense of humor, my interests, my love for the beach, my love for writing, my passion to work with other young women like myself...it's all for a reason, all for HIS purpose. I'm a work in progress...and with tears in my eyes.. I am growing..and will continue to grow. Be blessed and encouraged. 

xoxo 

Dear God, please make me content

How often do we ask God to make us content with what we have or don't have? I know I don't ask that very often and if you are honest with yourself, I'm pretty sure you will admit that too. Let's face it, most of our prayers sound like this:

Lord please fix this...
Dear God, can you help me so I can get ....
God I really want this raise, please help me...
Dear God I need more....
Dear God please remove this...

You get the picture right? Most of our prayers involve us requesting God's help to give us something, remove a problem or change a situation whether it involves money, bills, jobs, relationships, friends/family, careers, education etc. I definitely don't want to make it seem like you're wrong for asking for God's help in your life. Jesus himself stated that we should keep asking, seeking and knocking and we will receive what we ask for, find what we are seeking and the door will be opened (Matthew 7:7), however the bible also sheds light on what we ask for. James 4:3 says,

"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures." 

When I'm praying for something or for someone, I only RECENTLY tested my motive for asking. Nto why are you praying for money? What will this money be used for? Nto why are you asking God to change this situation? For whose glory? His? or yours? So I challenge you reading this to do the same. Test your motives and your heart. I love psalm 139:23. It's a prayer that we all need to pray more.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. " 

And when you pray that, with a sincere heart, be prepared for God to show you and ask him for the strength to deal with what he reveals to you. But in addition to that prayer, I also believe praying for contentment is beautiful, but so lacking. Who prays, " Lord give me a heart that's content with what I have, where I am and what you're doing"? Yea that prayer is extremely easy if you're livin' it up and things are peachy! But what happens when you have more bills than money? When the doctor's report doesn't look the greatest and where you are in your current season isn't the most comfortable? Are you saying, I should still pray for contentment? Absolutely. Why? Because it's just that. A season. Temporary. And God could be working on you, preparing you for what's ahead. But the most important reason of them all is this: You, as a believer, have a secret that unbelievers don't have when going through a difficult season. That secret is Jesus. Philippians 4:13 says, 

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.   

This is a scripture that a lot of people misuse. Oh I am going to win this game because I can do all things through Christ. Oh i'm going to work 80 hours this week so I can make more bread..because I can do all things through Christ. Ya'll get the point. The key to reading and understanding scripture is to read the surrounding passages for context. When Paul said that he was referring to contentment. Verse 12 says, " I know what it is to be in need , AND I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being CONTENT in ANY and EVERY situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. " THEN, he says, I can do all things through Christ. 

So you see, the secret to finding contentment in your current situation is Jesus. As you abide in him, he gives you the strength to face, deal with and resolve any and every situation. An uncomfortable situation with Jesus as your source and strength is much better than one without him. 

Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 timothy 6:8) This world is so temporary. We spend so much time and energy worrying and chasing things with no real value. When we die, our bank account, cars, houses and degrees won't do anything for us. I pray we all find contentment in our situations this week, especially the difficult seasons. I pray that you find the courage and strength to open your hearts to God and ask him to pour out his love, wisdom, strength and peace on you. I pray your prayers change from being solely ME-ME-ME driven and become prayers of gratitude, selfless prayers, prayers that lift his name up and give him permission to work in you and your loved ones life as he sees fit. 

He's faithful in his promises. Be blessed. 

Nto 

Dear Overwhelmed

Have you ever felt like you've had enough? How about drained to the point where you want to forget everything and give up? This semester I've been extremely busy. Although I've had some exciting things happen (officially off the market :)) I've had some difficult moments. Today I sensed a break down coming if I didn't do something about it. I had a scholars' meeting today on campus and as I looked in my planner and everything I had to do for next week and the next two months; my heart began racing and I literally felt as though I was trapped in a small room and the walls were closing in on me. I had class assignments, proposals, graduate assistant assignments, research, exams and meetings on my mind. I had PLZ-SHINE responsibilities on my mind since Taja and I are trying to get the ball rolling there. I had my mom's health, finances and other concerns on my mind that would be about a page long if I began sharing them all (so I won't). "Word son, you bit off way more than you can chew." I told myself. I left the meeting smiling but inside I was crying. I was worried. I was scared and I was overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed. Scared of failing. Scared of breaking down. Worried that I won't do well this semester. Worried about my family and friends. I was and still am overwhelmed with it all. It's a lot. A Ph.D. program is NOT easy. It's more than going to class and studying for exams.Plus, I still have a life outside of school or at least I need to have a life outside. I have friendships and relationships that need attention as well. Thankfully, I have a few understanding friends who recognize that I am doing a lot and their encouragement, prayers and love means so much to me.

I came home for a few hours and I knew I needed to get on my knees and spend time in prayer. I felt horrible. I turned on some worship music for a little bit to get my mind centered on Jesus and I closed my eyes, sang the song and stayed there for a few minutes. I began talking to God. "Lord, I need you right now. I need to feel you because right now I don't and it scares me. Why am I feeling this overwhelmed? Remind me that you are my peace. Remind me that worrying does not add a single thing to my life. I preach this to everybody else, Lord. Why am I overwhelmed right now? Help me." That was the first time really praying for myself in awhile. It was my first time being honest about how I was handling things. See I was avoiding this. I could tell I was beginning to feel overwhelmed prior to today, but I was not honest with God. I prayed for everybody else except myself. Why? Perhaps because I felt the feeling would pass. Honestly, I think it had a lot to do with me not wanting to cry during my prayer time. Being completely open and honest out loud with God has always been a struggle area: guilt from my past or feeling like he had bigger problems to deal with made me avoid coming to him on my behalf. I'd always go to him for somebody else though. Today I still prayed for my loved ones but I was honest with him and told him exactly how I felt. I cried. I'm a 24 year old Ph.D. student with some huge responsibilities, living on my own away from family and it's hard. I'm still navigating life and finding my way and learning who I am as young woman, but most importantly as a daughter of  a King. I don't have all the answers, but honestly sometimes I feel like people expect me to. I get a ton of emails daily school related and outside and finding a balance is hard. I need God's guidance, wisdom, his peace that surpasses all human understanding, his love, strength. I also wanted to know that my work won't be a waste. How do I know I'm really fulfilling my God given purpose? God are you still with me? The last thing I said during my prayer time was: " Jesus you said you don't give as the world gives. Your peace is different. You said that I should not be afraid because you've overcome this world. We were not created to be stressed out, running around,driving ourselves crazy. We were created to have a relationship with you, with others and to take care of this world you created. Help me not to stress but enjoy the blessings and people you've given to me, but please...help me because I want to give up.

After this, I wiped my eyes and turned on some music on my phone. I went to itunes and I could see that Donnie's "I stand" was going to play but it did not. It skipped and went to another song, "Nobody greater" and that skipped too. I was like okkkkk. I checked something on my phone and came back to it because it looked as though it just needed time to load up (probably a wifi issue). When I opened the app again, Smokie Norful's " I understand" began playing.....

If you don't know the song, listen to the lyrics please. It was as if God was speaking directly to me through that song. He was telling me to trust him, that he understood how I was feeling, that I should not give up and that he was preparing me. The tears began to flow. Wow God. You continue to blow my mind. I'm so thankful that he uses all avenues and people in my life to speak to me. He loves me. He sees me. He understands what I'm going through: every problem, every burden...he's still with me, even when I feel extremely overwhelmed. Do I still feel overwhelmed? Yes, I have A LOT to do. But I no longer feel alone. I know he knows that I have a lot going on. This is not a surprise to him. All my days have been written already. God does not change. He remains the same which means he is still faithful.

He helped me realize an area of growth though. Back in the day, when I was stressed out I would either sleep it off (try to), call somebody and seek help from them or hold it all in. This time when I sensed that things were getting worse, I entered his presence. I went to him first. I did not call my parents, significant other, or even a best friend and pour my feelings out to them. Not saying you shouldn't, but we need to remember that they are humans too, as frail as breath. When you're overwhelmed, stressed, worried, broken...pour your heart out to Jesus first. He is the lover of your soul and he wants us to. Come to me all who are weary with heavy burdens he said. Why is it so hard for us to do so? It's because we can't see him honestly, at least I believe so. Coming to Jesus requires faith. Faith that although we can't see him or even hear him that he is there, loving us, strengthening us, equipping us for our journey here on earth. For the rest of the semester, I am going to try really hard to remember that scripture. I need him. Every hour of the day . I can't do this without him. I don't even want to try. Praying for anyone overwhelmed today....

God bless
Nto

Classy, Purposeful and Walking in God's Favor Challenge: Hannah

Read Hannah's story in 1 Samuel chapters 1 and 2 before reading the blog :)

I figured out a way to make my blogs shorter! (Praise the Lord because I can write and talllllllk at times lol) If I let my readers read the scriptures on their own,  I won't have to go into too much detail. Why didn't I think about this before? (Don't judge me, my brain has a million things going on all at once) So let's dive in shall we. I'm excited! I love this story :)

Recap: Elkanah had two wives, Peninnah and Hannah. Penninah bore him children and Hannah did not. Penninah made fun of Hannah and treated her poorly because she was barren. What's interesting is that Elkanah loved Hannah more, but despite this, Hannah still wanted a child badly and was in deep anguish because of it. She prayed and prayed for a child and promised that she would give him back to the Lord if he blessed her with one. She got pregnant, she rejoiced and she kept her word. Her baby was called Samuel.

Have you ever wanted something badly? I'm talking about wanting something so badly that you probably had eating, sleeping and relationship difficulties because you lacked whatever it was and it was constantly on your mind. The scriptures said that Hannah was in deep anguish and prayed weeping bitterly to the Lord. She was broken. Isn't it funny that she had her husband's love but it was not enough? (but that's another post) What I want to point out and focus on for the purpose of this blog are her actions. Hannah prayed. She may have been balling her eyes out and depressed, but she prayed her heart out to God. She cried out to him. Have you ever cried out to God? Why is it that we usually use prayer as a last resort? We attempt to seek answers from everybody else or comfort from everyone else before seeking God. "But I don't hear God, he's not going to listen to me!" Really? Because my bible says that if I seek him wholeheartedly he will be found. My bible says the hairs on my head are numbered and I am worth way more than a sparrow. My bible also provides stories of Jesus healing people and bringing them back to life because he was filled with compassion when he saw them weeping. I truly believe God sees and he hears. Every bone in my body believes it, but that was not always the case. In order to know who God is we need to spend time with him, we need to pray.

I admire Hannah so much. You have no idea. Here is a woman, broken to the core, depressed, being teased and belittled all the time because she is without a child and she takes her pain and her needs to God Almighty. She does not complain to her husband. She does not fight back Penninah. She prays. She prays. She prays. Wow. Talk about a strong woman. What would you have done? In addition to humility and an attitude of obedience/servanthood (last post), I am also asking God to give me a praying spirit like Hannah. I want to be able to cry out to him, despite my tears, despite a broken heart, despite the talking behind my back or even to my face. I want to face all that by surrendering to him. I don't want to deal with all of that alone. I don't have to. The invitation is available ... Come to me all who are heavy with burdens... I will give you rest. Nothing in this world can satisfy. He is it. Trust me, i'm pretty sure I've tried everything except drugs and I've seen firsthand that drugs don't satisfy either.

In addition to a praying spirit, I think we should also ask God to give us the strength and desire to keep our word AFTER we receive what we so desperately prayed for. Let's be honest. How many times have you made a promise to God that you did not keep? If you won't be honest I will. I can think of a few things. So thankful that his grace and love knows no bounds and he forgives and gives second, third and fourth etc. chances. Hannah said she would give her son back to the Lord and she did. And guess what? He blessed her with MORE children. Praise God! He is so faithful. He blows my mind, honestly. I am still trying to understand his character. He is officially THE BEST!

This was an important challenge for me. He totally opened up my eyes awhile back. I felt him nudging me to just lay in my bed and talk to him. Like I would talk to a friend. Say it out loud, not just in my heart. "Lord, today was a rough day man. I don't feel like I can do this anymore. God why is it that my heart always ends up broken or rejected? Lord it hurts. I'm worried about....." I'm done using him as a last resort. I pray about any and everything now. I pray over my papers, my conversations with people, my safety, my family and those who hurt me. Yes, I pray for people I don't even speak to anymore. I also pray for my future family. Best believe I'm including some prayers for my future husband (Lord please give him the desire to seek you/continue seeking you) and my kids (Lord please don't let them be bad or let delivery hurt too bad, I am not eve ha! lol) I encourage you to set aside time to just pray to God this week. Each day. He wants to hear from you. He is waiting for you. He wants your heart. Seek him above all else. Cry out to him like Hannah and walk in his favor.

Love you all.
Nto

Classy, Purposeful and Walking in God's Favor Challenge: Mary, the mother of Jesus

As I sat here and thought about beginning this challenge, I was led to Mary, the mother of Jesus. How could I begin it with anybody else? This was the woman who found favor in God's eyes. What does that mean? It means God gave her special regard, he showed exceptional kindness and generosity to her because she pleased him.

Luke 1:26-38 shares the story of Mary and the angel who appeared to her and informed her about her soon to be pregnancy. I can only imagine what that must have been like. Think about it for awhile. Mary was a young woman, in the process of probably planning her wedding to Joseph. Even if she was not planning or overly excited about it, marrying him was probably her main focus during that time. As women we tend to be planners. We plan our attire, careers, and family life. Some even go as far as planning their weddings before being found by their husbands. I'm sure Mary's first mental reaction was "Woa, this was not a part of the plan. What does this angel mean by I am highly favored? What's happening here?" According to the Word, Mary asked ONE question pertaining to the news she was given, "How will this be, since I am a virgin?" Once the angel told her how, through the power of the Holy Spirit, she simply responded, "I am the Lord's servant. May your word to me be fulfilled."

WOW! That's it Mary? Sad to say, many of us would probably have asked a few more questions. If you won't be honest and admit it, I will. I would have wanted to know what people were going to say once my belly started to grow. I also would have asked the angel if God was sure he wanted me to do the job. In addition to that, what about Joseph? Will this man believe me? What will happen to my wedding? But Mary did not ask any of these questions. She accepted God's promise and pretty much said, "Alright Lord, whatever you say goes. I am available to you. "

Mary's humility is astonishing and it is a great example for all women of God. We should aspire to be have this form of humility and submission in relation to our Savior. Despite our professional jobs, high degrees (which are not bad), our first priority should always be being available to God, even if it means saying goodbye to something we wanted, something we planned for. Like Mary we too should say, "I am your servant." 

It's also important to note that Mary conceived through the power of the Holy Spirit. Many of us neglect the Holy Spirit and believe that God only manifested his strength and power in bible days. Wrong! Instead, we rely on ourselves or others to make things happen. We place all of our trust in what we have, what we know, who we know etc. Greater is he that is in you than he who is in the world. Do you remember that? Do you believe that? Don't place all your trust in your jobs, education or social status. People lose jobs like they lose pennies. It's really not promised. Trust God above all things. It does not matter at the of the day who you are. Yes, I am in a PhD program and God willing, I will be Dr. Malone (or insert married last name here if it happens) however, my title means absolutely nothing in God's eyes. He used fishermen and prostitutes (Rahab) to do his work before. God does not need my title to do big things in my life. What matters is who HE IS and because of who he is, and who I am because of HIM and ONLY HIM, I can trust that once I trust him, follow his commandments, his purpose for my life will be accomplished. The angel told Mary, "For no word from God will ever fail!" Note it, remember it and stick it wherever you need to see it everyday. God's word does not fail!

So can you be a professional, modern day, boss like lady and still have an attitude like Mary? Absolutely. It's what I am striving for. Having a spirit like Mary is simply living a life in humility and placing God's will for your life above your own and anybody else's.

I am Sarai

Many people look down on Sarai/Sarah or they know her as the woman who laughed at God's promise, the woman who made her husband sleep with her servant so she could have a baby or the woman who treated that servant harshly after she had her own son. However, if we were all honest with ourselves, we all would admit that we are Sarai's and Sarah's. Our desire to be obedient to God's will sometimes creates a spirit of restlessness. We get overly excited about God's promises to us and that spirit of excitement which by itself is a good thing becomes a distraction, stirs up an impatient attitude and/or discontentment. Prior to God's promise we were upset or discontent that we lacked our heart's desire. Once we received his word and a peace in our heart that it will come to pass we then become discontent that we don't have it currently. We become restless and impatient and God's plans for our lives suddenly becomes our plans because let's face it, sometimes God simply takes too long (according to our agendas and mind)

Sarai and Abram were told that they would receive a son, however we all know that Sarai gave her servant, Hagar, to her husband as a secondary wife so she could bare him a son. Tired of waiting, she took matters into her own hands and we know how that turned out. Once Hagar became pregnant, their relationship became one with contempt and abuse. Hagar ran away as a result of it. Once Sarai, now Sarah bore Isaac things did not improve. Her restlessness and acting in her own power and strength, rather than waiting produced disastrous results.

The need to take control and manipulate situations to align with our needs and desires instead of God's will; results in chaos, heartbreaks and confusion. 

When we try to accomplish God's plan for our lives in our own timing and in our own way, although we still will receive his plan for our lives because it is HIS purpose, by rushing the process we end up causing unnecessary pain along the way. We persuade others to come along in our plan instead of his, we no longer live as loving, faithful followers but may turn to plotting against or with others and become abusive schemers (Genesis 16:6). 

Saying yes to God's plan for our lives and saying yes to him as your Lord and Savior is NEVER the hard part. The waiting on him and for that promise is. 

We may look around and see people outside God's will accomplishing great things. They seem happy with these perfect lives. They have the relationships, the jobs, the money, the marriages, the children etc. and we begin to question him. We question whether or not he's forgotten us or if he's even there. We question if we are doing something wrong or received the wrong promise. Personally, I have always struggled in relationships. I always desired marriage, however ever so often as relationships and friendships fail, people make choices that disappoint and/or I find myself without a beau on new year's eve I question God and whether or not his plan for my life is singleness. As we question God, we may fall short at times. However, I am so thankful that he is still so faithful. 

Far too often we rely on people and ourselves to accomplish HIS plan for our life. Don't ever forget that God alone is God. He is ultimately in control. The medical exam results may say otherwise, that man or woman who does not want you may say otherwise but as believers we are called to trust in God and lean not on our own understanding. Don't put your hope in mere mortals who are as frail as you are. It's never easy waiting, however if you are in a waiting period there is a reason. Ask God to show you and speak to you during that season. Don't let your excitement turn into restlessness. 

We all can learn a few things from Sarah and Abraham. We learn that it is always best to wait on God and trust him. We learn that nothing is too improbable or impossible for his sovereignty and power. We learn that ALL things even our sins and shortcomings can work together for good. We learn that he is faithful and keeps his word. 

I pray that regardless of what you are waiting on today or this new year, 2014..I pray that you wait in HIM, lean ON him and keep focused. Don't be restless, don't laugh at his promises and believe your situation is far too gone for the Almighty to work with. His power works best in your weaknesses anyway. No matter how your year ended... with a heart filled with joy, a heart with a few scars or a heart broken in pieces, I pray that you find restoration, peace and love in the Lover of your soul, Jesus. Until you feel that love because let's be honest, at times we don't FEEL it and we sit alone, miserable and teary eyed stressing over problems outside of our control or over people who aren't stressing over us..until you feel his peace, presence and love, just whisper his name as often as needed. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus"...something happens when he's called. 

Happy New Year everyone! Make it great. xoxo 

My first Semester

Colossians 3:23-24

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." 

My first semester in my doctoral program is complete! Round of applause, say a prayer and thank Jesus!! Whew. You guys have no idea how much this program challenged me and caused me to question my capabilities and whether or not this was something I really wanted to do and most importantly whether it was God's plan for me. My biggest regret is that I did not blog throughout my studies. However, it's a learning process and next semester I will commit to blogging at least once or twice a month. Please keep me in your prayers and if you notice that I am not doing so call me out on it. Next semester will be busier than the first, but I can do all things through Christ. Plus, i truly believe he wants me to write and encourage more. My heart breaks to think that someone somewhere received encouragement through my blogs and once I stopped that encouragement could no longer be provided. 

The text I wrote above is for anyone struggling on a job, in a class, program, or struggling staying at home etc. It says whatever you do. It does not say some jobs, some titles, or A job meaning you have to be employed. It says whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as if you were working for the Creator of the Universe. Now stop for a second, if you were working for the Lord would you give your best, your worst or somewhere in between? I personally would make an effort to give my best. My job could be to clean his toilet. If it was God's toilet, I would make sure that toilet was bleached, scrubbed and smelling good. I would not complain or grumble because my focus would not be on the task itself. It would be on him. 

This semester made me question so many things. At times I found myself angry and regretting that I was here. Can you believe it? I asked God for this and the opportunity I asked him for I was complaining about. Just like we may ask God for a spouse and then we complain about the disagreements or the bad habits and make them bigger than they really need to be. As humans, we are so incredibly difficult to please. There is nothing wrong with feeling discouraged or wanting to give up. At times we will be placed in situations that are difficult to work in or people who are difficult to work with or for. But what does God's word say? It says to walk into that situation as if God was your boss. Walk into that classroom as if God was your teacher. Write that paper as if God would be grading it. Give it your all. Work hard. We tend to think that only pastors, preachers, missionaries and gospel artists are people who work for the Lord. One of the devil's lie. As a christian, you work for the Lord as a student, accountant, doctor, housewife, police officer etc. You represent Christ at all times..every day of the week. You don't even have to witness "verbally" to someone to tell them about our Savior. 

People are watching how you LIVE. They are observing how you handle difficult people, situations. They are observing how you treat someone who could do everything for you and who can do absolutely nothing for you. They are observing how you respond to them when they disrespect your Lord and say how crazy you are for believing etc. Will you respond in love? Or will you also lash out and begin a social media war with them because of disagreement? I had a disagreement with a very close friend of mine who I love dearly earlier this week. We were both so passionate about our beliefs and we kept going on and on. We are also both Christian. I know I could have handled that situation better. Perhaps he could have as well. However, the only person I am in control of is me. I should have responded lovingly to him. My thoughts and even my sarcastic comments did not represent Christ. It represented someone who was angry and disappointed that my thoughts were not being heard. 

So why should we work as if we are working for the Lord and representing him at all times? The text explains because we know (believers) we will receive our inheritance from God as our reward. At the end of the day... we are serving God when we serve others. My first semester was a success. I received good grades and I am beyond happy about that, however I have a greater reward waiting for me some day. One I look forward to receiving. I pray that regardless of the situations you may find yourself in, you will serve God. Keep those eyes focused. Pray always and remain thankful. I love you all! 

Cheers to having some free time! LOL 

xoxo 

The closer I walk with God, the closer he walks with me!

August 26th is the day! I will officially be a year older and so much has changed since my last birthday! I'm in a completely different state (I moved to Mississippi ya'll lol) and I began my doctorate program in Higher Education Administration to name a few. This past year has been exciting, scary, sad, joyful and stressful at times. Let's just say it's been an interesting ride and many things were revealed to me as I spent most of my time reflecting and growing closer to Jesus.

I made changes in my life prior to my 23rd birthday because some changes had to take place. I had highs and lows and I knew in my heart I was not fulfilling God's purpose and plan for me. For my 23rd birthday I bought a Life Application Study bible and got serious about studying God's word and I finally placed all my energy into pursuing a relationship with him instead of a guy. Now don't get me wrong, prior to this I prayed, I read scriptures here and there, I went to church and I tweeted "Thank you Lord etc." but I was not intimate with  him. I didn't "Know" him. Now I look back on situations and I can see God's hands all over it, but at the time I didn't. You'll hear me say over and over again, "He was looking out for me long before I gave him my heart." That's comforting to me. He knew that although I was not where I needed to be personally, spiritually or professionally at that time that one day I would be completely in love with him and growing as a young woman. That's why we should never be so quick to judge someone even if they are a train wreck waiting to happen. Their today is not necessarily their tomorrow. On Monday they may be okay settling and making wrong decisions but on Wednesday afternoon they may make those necessary changes. How you treat them during those train wreck moments can make a difference in who they become. Other times, it may take them hitting rock bottom before change takes place (This is usually the hardest to recover from) However, as the authors of the book "Kingdom woman" tell us (Tony Evans and Crystal Hurst) "Sometimes God allows situations that only he can fix, so that you will KNOW he is the one who fixed it."

Have you ever had a situation where you thought to yourself, " There is no way I can recover. Why even bother? I can't change. This is me. This is what I do. I'm always getting hurt or making mistakes. I have the worst luck/life ever. My heart will never be the same. I will never trust or laugh again?" I've been there. Honestly, at times I still find myself there. It's in those situations that God can truly reveal himself to you if you simply surrender. That's the thing you know. People always say, "Don't worry, God can fix it. Have faith etc." but what we fail to recognize is that we have to place ourselves in a position for him to work and do his thing. We need to SURRENDER. It's like we are drowning and gasping for air half the time but we refuse to let go of the things pulling us under. If we would just let it go. If only.

I started letting go of some things slowly but surely for the past two years. I had to learn to let go of some people, some activities, a usual way of thinking and how I viewed the world. When I blew out my candles on my birthday cake a year ago (my sister hooked me up. love her!!) I didn't make a wish, I said a prayer. I asked God to continue to reveal himself to me and make me over. I needed a complete transformation. I didn't need to make over my appearance or hair (even though I changed that often as well lol don't judge), but my heart, my mind and who I was as a young woman. I knew that if I was going to achieve all I wanted to and if I wanted to be a wife, mother and a respected professional I needed to be, think and act better. Was I a horrible person? I don't think so although some may disagree but I wasn't trying to be average or just good. I wanted to be Christ like and virtuous. I read Proverbs 31 many times, studied Ruth, Esther, Hannah, Deborah, and Mary (both of them)but most importantly, Jesus. I encourage any woman who is on a journey of walking in God's purpose to study their lives. Don't just read, but make notes and look for areas in your life where you could begin applying the same principles. The christian life is not simply a destination. It's more than accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.. It's a way of LIVING. It's DOING. It's LOVING. It gives.

So now that I am turning 24 what have I learned? I've learned that living a life that pleases God is not always easy. I've learned so much about myself after removing certain things that it's semi scary. (trust me when you surrender, some things are revealed to you. it's as if your rose colored glasses slowly come off). I've learned that regardless of the changes you make some people will STILL see the old you and test you. But as James said, consider it pure joy when you face trials. The testing of your faith will produce perseverance. I also learned that not everyone who throws some scriptures around truly knows God or desires to know him. Hence why discernment and wisdom is so important. It's okay to laugh, dress nicely and still love Jesus.

As I said, major changes this 24th birthday! I never expected to move to Mississippi of all places. It's exciting to imagine what my life would be like next birthday. It is a little scary. Not knowing how things could be is frightening. But one thing I do know is that when I draw near to God, he comes closer to me as well and knowing that gives me peace.

Looking forward to what age 24 has in store!!!!!

Be blessed!

For you

" So we don't look at the troubles we can see now, rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. "

2 Corinthians 4:11 

I want you to stop reading this for a second and read the entire chapter (chapter 4) if you don't want to read it before reading this, at least read it after. Oh how difficult it is to hold on to hope when facing troubles. At times we look around at our situation, troubles and trials we face and we want to give up. We want to stop trying, stop fighting...sometimes even...stop living. As a professional trained in psychology and counseling I have seen it. Unfortunately, many people either don't want to talk about the fact that they may have suicidal thoughts because of embarrassment or fear of appearing weak. Many people have thoughts about "not waking up" more than you think... it's an issue that needs to be addressed and talked about. But that's another blog. 

Life is not easy. I wish it was at times. There are many times I too feel like giving up. As I sit here and write this after reflecting on a conversation I had with a friend earlier I recall my broken moments. The days it was impossible for me to eat because I cried so much. The nights I tossed and turned because turning my brain off was seemingly impossible. The nights I took sleep aids to get some rest. The days I wish I could just sleep., curled up on the living room floor in tears because the burden was too heavy and I did not know where to begin. The moments I hated looking at myself in the mirror because all I saw was sin, mistake after mistake, rejection and hurt. I look at my life now and although it is FAR from perfect, I have seen so much growth and improvement. Nobody but God. My heart goes out to anyone who is hurting tonight and I know someone, somewhere feels like giving up. 

Maybe you are walking with Christ or trying to and you feel like you are not good enough. Your sin is too great, your past too dirty to make changes. Maybe you are looking at other people's walk and unhappy with yourself because you are not there yet (wherever they are or appear to be) or maybe you are struggling with being "perfect" and pleasing everyone around you. Perhaps you are struggling with emotions or just downright sick and tired of living in this world. Feelings of frustration, stress, guilt, being overwhelmed are consuming you. 

The battle has already been won. Nobody can destroy what God has already accomplished in you. I repeat, NOBODY and NOTHING can destroy what God has already accomplished in you and wants to DO IN YOU, WITH YOU and FOR YOU. REST. Our heavenly father sent his one and only Son for us! Because of him we can fix our eyes on something we cannot see during our hard times...spending eternity with him someday. We have to remember that our troubles we face now will not last forever. Greater is he that is in you. Repeat it over and over until it sticks. 

If all of our lives were perfect there would be no need for faith. At times I believe God allows certain things to take place and for us to feel a certain way so that we can remember that we NEED him...that he and he alone should be what we depend on the most. At times i get lonely (not as often now..but every once in awhile I do) I feel like nobody is listening to me or I don't quite know if I am being helpful or showing others the love of Christ. However, we can never see the seed that we plant as it grows. But one day... it becomes a plant..and we see it emerge.Praise God! You may think that you have not made progress. Quit looking at everyone else around you including your trials and keep those eyes focused on Jesus and your future home. It brings me such peace imagining my mansion up in heaven! Pure joy! 

Is it easy? Heck no! But just because it's not easy does that mean you should not try and do it? Absolutely not! It's time for us to quit living based on how we feel and start living on what we know! And what do you know? If you are a believer you know that Christ came and died for you. You know that he promised he will return for you to take you home. You know that God said, never will he leave you nor forsake you. You know that he honors those who honor him and no good thing he withholds from those whose walk is blameless. You know that he loves you...oh how he LOVES YOU! Cling to him. Cry out to him. There are many times when I get in my bag *taja voice* I talk to him real. It's always done in reverence but i'm honest..." Lord, I am really lonely right now, but i don't want to turn to anyone else in my loneliness...help me to turn to you." 

Why are we hiding from our Creator? Why can't we come to him as we are...broken, humiliated, rejected, stressed out, a train wreck, lonely and humbly bow down at his feet and say "MAKE ME OVER!" "Take the mess and junk from inside of me and pour more of YOU LORD into ME. I want YOU. ALL of YOU. " Heads hung low, hands raised high.. in total submission before the Father...thanking him for all he's done, all he's doing and what he's ABOUT TO DO! Because he wants to do some MAJOR things in you, with you and for you. Stay available. Open your heart. Tell the holy spirit to feed you. Abide in him and in his word NOT In your troubles, NOT in how you feel and NOT in what you SEE. Believe it. Believe him... I am praying for you. 

xoxo 

Running on blame, living in the past!

Many times when I go about my day...I imagine God sitting on his throne watching me. When I begin to feel a certain way (and I have those days, we all do) I close my eyes, sometimes with the tears falling and I cry out to him. I imagine his arms around me. I imagine him wiping the tears from my face. I imagine him looking me in the face, whispering in my ear ever so gently...

" I love you." 

I repeat that over and over until I feel loved, until I feel him. And yes, I feel him. It's a light fluttery feeling, it's a soothing chill that runs through my body from my head to my toes. It calms me. It refreshes me and it's my reminder that he is WITH ME ALWAYS. When my thoughts tell me otherwise, when people say otherwise, when circumstances say otherwise... God's spirit reminds me that he is the ONLY Thing that is never-changing. Everything else is fickle. Jobs, people, relationships, money, emotions...fickle. 

Last night, I experienced some negative energy, thoughts everything. I had a good day. Nothing bad happened, but later that night, my mind got the best of me. I began thinking about the past. I began blaming myself for mistakes made. I began asking "what if?" Perhaps, i'd be in a different place if that *insert situation here* did not go sour. It is possible to be happy where you are or happy for someone you care about, but still experience feelings of doubt. This shocked me because I did not understand at first why I was feeling the way I was. Why did I feel so heavy? Why did I feel so ...not quite sad, but not quite happy at that moment? After much reflection, prayer and speaking about it with a trusted friend, I realized that I was still holding on to a piece, a small piece of that particular area. We have two extremes. We have those individuals who refuse to accept responsibility for ANYTHING and we have those who accept responsibility for EVERYTHING. They live on blame. Deep down they are still thinking about past mistakes and sins that God said he chooses to FORGET about.  

" I, yes I alone -will blot out your sins for my own sake and never think about them again." 

Isaiah 43:25 

Why are you thinking about something that God has let go? Why are you stressing or worrying about the "what ifs" Don't you know you serve a God who will NOT allow anything to get in the way of you fulfilling your God given purpose as long as you submit to his will? Don't you know that he said he will give you the desires of your heart if you delight in him? If you get to know him? If you obey his will for your life and fall utterly and completely in love with him? Do you really believe that you could have messed up your future? 

What God has for you is for you! Claim it. Believe it and REST. 

Psalm 55: 22 says, " Give your burdens to the Lord and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." You were not built to carry the self-blame, the worry, the pain, the past hurts, the loneliness or whatever else you may feel. I do not know everything you've been through, but I do know that Jesus is asking you to come to him. "Come to me ALL who are weary and heavy burdened." He did not say, "those who never made mistakes, or those who have REALLY big problems." he said "ALL". That includes YOU! Whenever I find myself worrying,stressing out or living in my past, I imagine Jesus with tears in his eyes. "Why is she carrying a burden that she cannot carry alone? Why is she living in the past? Doesn't she remember that I made her new. The old her is gone. My spirit LIVES in her. " I believe he says something similar to all of us who struggle with letting go or worrying. Can you feel him? Take a moment...seriously... open your bible...turn on some low worship music...and before you dive in...pray...pour out to him and WAIT. Wait for the chills, wait for his calming, gentle spirit. 

The apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:12 says, 

" I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing FORGETTING the past and LOOKING FORWARD to what lies ahead."  

At times I used to beat myself up when I felt a little sad or disappointed that something that probably should not bother me, bothered me. You may ask yourself, Why am I crying? Why does this still hurt? You may not have arrived or be where you want to be in life, financially, in love, spiritually...but one thing you need to do is forgetting the past and looking forward to the future that God promised you and it will be GOOD! He does not withhold any good thing from those whose walk is blameless. (psalm 84: 11) 

I felt pretty down last night.. I will be honest I did. However, I pressed into God's word 10 times harder. I prayed longer. I cried to HIM. I went to him FIRST. I was honest with him and how I felt. I asked him to consume me with his love so I would not feel the way I did. I asked him to give me the burning desire to know him in a way I have never known before. We can settle for mediocre relationship with God where we visit him at church and say he is good bla bla ...or we can fall passionately in love with him when we TRULY get to know WHO HE IS! I want that passionate relationship. I want to know who he is. I want to learn his ways. I want to recognize his will more clearly. I want to hear his voice. I want more of him and less of me. Once we shift our focus off of ourselves and our situations and back to where it belongs ....on HIM...we'll look up and ask ourselves, " Why was I feeling down again?" 

God wants you. Ask him to give you a heart that wants him ...more of him..too. 

xoxo 

Are you discerning?

The top three things I pray for (when I pray for myself) are wisdom, self-control and discernment. I was led to write about discernment tonight. Discernment is so important. Discerning good from bad,long term from short term and godly advice from Satan's will etc.(it's not always easy. We may think that Satan's advice may be horrible and clear cut e.g killing someone, however the bible says that Satan masquerades himself as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14-15) Everything that appears good, moral and attractive is not necessarily. This has been one of my areas of growth. I had a hard time with it and to this day, it's still not my strongest quality, hence why I pray for more of it continuously. 

The merriam-webster dictionary defines discernment as "the quality of being able to grasp  and comprehend what is obscure, an act of perceiving" which could also be summed up as the "ability to judge well".  

We need discernment not only in our spiritual lives, but it is also needed in business, friendships and relationships, and finances. You should not go into business with just anybody, you should not get emotionally involved or invested with everyone who expresses interest and you can't go around buying everything that promises results or even has a good price! It's more than how they/it looks on paper or even if it worked for someone else, will it work for you? Is it something God is leading you to do? 

Spiritually, we tend to want to feed on encouragement. Now don't get me wrong, God's word states that we are to uplift, love and encourage, however our encouragement should always align with God's words. The two can't contradict. As much as I may love a person, I won't encourage them to go along and steal something they want, simply because they "Feel" like doing it because stealing is wrong. I want them to feel convicted about the matter and I would advise them against it. Many times we want others to feed us what we "Want" to hear, rather than what we "need" to hear. So discernment is needed in the messages we allow our brains to reflect on through regular conversations and by preachers. Yes, we should be uplifted and encouraged, but not at the expense of continuing down a destructive path. A good preacher or someone who truly loves you will give you the balance of both. You will be loved, but you also will be told the truth. So having discernment in our spiritual lives is key. Questions to ask yourself, does this teaching or advice confirm scripture or go against it? Does this person have fruit of spirit in their own lives?

1 john 4:1 reads (new living translation version) "Dear friends, do not believe everyone who claims to speak by the Spirit. You must test them to see if the spirit they have comes from God. For there are many false prophets in this world. " 

So what's the first step in using discernment? TESTING! Even God tests us. He tested the Israelites when he freed them from Egypt several times, he tested Abraham and many others (he also tests us ) so why shouldn't we do the same? Testing is not a bad thing, it's all about the purpose and the ways it is done. Testing done by us requires observation, being still and seeking God's will through prayer and reading his word. That's it. So no you don't have to tell Jimmy boy or Jamie girl " I can't go out with you because I have to test you first " LOL please don't. You don't have to say anything honestly, you observe him or her and look for the qualities you seek in a partner in his/her life. Quite frankly, way too many people jump into relationships (I was guilty of this) without knowing what the person is all about before giving them your body, heart, time and energy. Then 8 months into the relationship you are saying "They changed!" No they did not. That's who they always were. But you can't see that when you are running on emotions, bringing in sex and not seeking counsel from trusted people while speaking with them and observing them from behind the scenes! But that's another blog ( and my book.,. I am in the process of writing! pray for me!:) ) 

Paul's prayer in Philipians 1:9-10 was this: And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ. 

Discernment helps us approve the excellent from the not so excellent. Wouldn't it save you pain, hurt and drama if we made decisions in our lives through discernment rather than our emotions, what your friends were doing, what you're used to doing and based on what looks good? Wouldn't it just be easier to do things God's way and avoid testing our your way and Tom and Susie's way first? I wish i did. Yes, i learned a lot from my mistakes and hurt, but at some point we need to change our way of doing things and save ourselves the time! I don't have the TIME to waste anymore. I don't want to "try" this out and see if it works. I need to know that it is God ordained and it's his calling for MY Life. If God is not in it, i DO NOT NEED it. I may WANT it. I may want it really bad, but that's where my prayer for self-control comes in. Self-discipline gives us the strength to say No, I will pass, I will wait, I will pray, I cannot do this until I hear from God...etc.

My prayer for you tonight reading this is that you will seek God's will in ALL areas of your life. Many times we want God's hand on our finances ( I pray to be financially well so I can give to others in need as well) but we don't want his hand in our relationships or social life because we are not quite ready to let go of some things we KNOW need to go. I want to encourage you today to seek him first. I want you to understand that his strength is perfected in your weaknesses. I want you to love yourself enough to STOP wasting your time and ending up in hurtful situations. I want you to experience God's love and grace that CAN and WILL consume you if you just make yourself available to him. I pray for wisdom, self-discipline and discernment in your life. He loves you right where you are.... Speak to him tonight and ask him to help you. xoxo 

He keeps looking out for ME!

This week I found myself thinking back to all the ways God has kept me throughout the years. From placing the right people in my life at the right time to getting me out of sticky situations and literally saving my life! Heartbreaks, car accidents, close calls, friendships, relationships, finances and career...His hands are on my life and I am so very thankful. Where would I be without his love and grace? Who would I be if Christ hadn't died and rose again?

Not only has God guided and protected me, but he spoke to me and continues to speak to me (sometimes not as much although that could be my fault, but he does). He speaks, he nudges, and he encourages me NOT to be afraid when my flesh is screaming "YOU CANNOT DO THIS!" I can be a huge punk at times (still a G though, don't mess :) ), but I am reminded that God repeatedly told his people NOT to be afraid, be brave and courageous and Jesus comforted his disciples as well. He told them not to be troubled. God does not want me to live a life based in fear and honestly that's how I lived. For a long time I operated on fear rather than love. Fear that I would fail, fear that I will never experience true love, fear that my dad would die and I'd have to live life without him. Fear was the easiest thing for me to hold on to in tough situations. It's that way for most of us. It takes self-discipline and strength to hold on to his Word when our emotions and thoughts get a hold of us. For a long time, I was a weak little thing.

What's interesting to me, what I spent a lot of time thinking about this week, is this:

God kept me even when I was not clinging to him.

God spoke to me even when I did not recognize his voice. 

When I was younger I was home alone during the afternoon (My family moved to live on the property where my dad worked so My father was busy on the property probably near the beach house and my mom was at the main house (the property had a few cottages and a main house)) I was in my room listening to music. All of a sudden, I got the sudden urge to LEAVE. I am teary eyed just thinking about it. I had no intention of going to the main house, but I left my room pretty quickly. I grabbed my phone and shoes and ran up to the main house where my mom and aunt were. They were surprised to see me and asked why I came up and all i could say was, " I don't know, just going to hang out for awhile something told me to come up." Not too long after we heard noise and my daddy and uncle talking and shouting. Turns out my uncle returned to the back of the house (where we lived) and found someone running out of the back door, which was now broken down. somebody BROKE IN and he got away. When I finally went back to the house the rooms were a MESS! The drawers were open, clothes scattered everywhere...including MY room. This person was obviously looking for money. 

I have no idea what would have happened if this person broke in and found me there. The thought alone scared me. After that event I refused to sleep at home for a few weeks (it was summer) and I never wanted to be home alone without my daddy ever again! That urge I got to leave was GOD. At the time I didn't really know it. I went to church etc. but I did not have a relationship with him personally. It comforts me to know that even though I was not, he still loved me enough to protect me and keep me safe. He did the same in my car accident. He is so faithful. I know I survived some crazy situations for a purpose! God-given purpose! My life is NOT my own. To him I BELONG. I give myself away to fulfill his will, his plans and his purpose for my life. 

Can you think of a time in your life where God kept you? The ones you know of. Trust me, God keeps us from dangers we don't even know about sometimes. Bad things may still happen to us and loved ones, we live in a sinful world, but rest assured, his children are promised an eternal home. The pain we suffer now is NOTHING compared to what Heaven will be like. He loves you. 

xoxo

Where is your confidence?

Hey everyone,

I have not written anything on here in awhile (I have been pretty BUSY and when i am not busy, i am SO tired :( ) Nonetheless, despite the fact that I am still pretty tired I decided to write something  brief and offer some encouragement to anyone who needs it. I also wanted to share some things I have been realizing these past few weeks. Bare with me :)

1.You are NOT God. Do not depend on yourself as if you are.

• I know I am about to make some independent people up in here a little mad. We live in a world that hungers for independence. Most people want to be independent. I also want to be independent and I will be honest with you guys I am nowhere close to where I want to be, but it is something I strive for daily, however I find that it is so easy to begin to think of ourselves as gods of our lives. You know how that is, you got a degree here, you making money over there, you moved out your parents house...you living it up pretty large if you know what I mean. Yes, you may be able to provide for yourself here on earth, but don't forget where the gifts, the knowledge, the skills or talent you have that allowed you to do so, came from. I had some pretty good news come my way recently and I begin to imagine the future I know God promised me in my head and I got so incredibly excited. I saw HUGE things. I am still excited. However, I had to check myself honestly, because I began to spend more time thinking about my future, instead of my God who is the REASON for my future, my dreams, my goals. I prayed silently when I realized this and said,  

                                                                                             
"Lord, I want to do big things. I want to help so many people and make a difference. I want to write books, I want to travel, I want to teach, I want to create programs for young people and women. I want to be a great mother and wife someday, but please Lord, don't EVER let me get so accomplished or do SO well that pride takes over and I forget you. I don't want to worship myself or my accomplishments. I want to worship YOU and YOU alone for the rest of my life. Help me to remain focused on you but still enjoy the gifts and blessings you send my way. " 

Not depending on yourself and acting as if you are God is so important. It's important when things are going great and it's important when things are going bad. That way, you don't beat yourself up over the cares of this world. Before I re-dedicated my life to Jesus I used to worry about EVERYTHING. Now don't get me wrong, I still have a "concerned" personality :) but, I no longer cry over things I have no control over. And if I do cry, I cry to God. I am honest with him. Do you realize God already knows everything? Yet still, turning to him and pouring our hearts out seem to be so difficult at times. He created you. He knows you. He wants us to depend on him. He wants to be our rock, our strength, our portion. The bible does not say "Cast your cares on him because he cares for you" for decoration you know! It's a command. I personally think it's a request. I imagine God looking down at his children when we stress, worry and drive ourselves crazy with life's issues, shaking his head as he speaks to us firmly and still softly " Why can't you give it to me? Why can't you lean on me? Why are you carrying around a load that you were NEVER built to carry. I am your God. Give me your heart AND your worries, I am here"

2. Do not depend on other humans. Humans are also not gods.

This one is another major one. It is easy to get caught up with thinking that another person is in control of our dreams coming true. Whether it's the hiring manager hiring you for your dream job, someone selling you the car you really need and they promised you they would etc. I don't know everything people deal with, but I do know we can depend on others way too much. Now, don't get me wrong. I am NOT saying that you should never ask for help, or accept assistance. God uses people ALL the time. Again, i will say GOD USES people all the time. Be thankful for their help, appreciate the individuals in your life who have given you opportunities and support, however, keep that gratitude in perspective. So yes they may be holding the cards to whether or not you get this job, but guess what? God is right there watching, whispering in their ear "Hire, or do not hire" either way the decision does not come to him as a surprise. It is all working out for the good of those who love the Lord. Psalm 146:3 says, " Don't put your confidence in powerful people, there is no help for you there." Where is your confidence? In other people? In yourself? Or in the Almighty? The first two are fickle, and imperfect. The last, remains the same, faithful and good. I don't know about you, but I rather trust the CREATOR of the universe over somebody who breathes, sleeps and has blood running through their veins the same way I do.

In John 12:28 Jesus said that his father will honor those who serve him. If we are truly serving Jesus and living lives that are pleasing in God's sight we really have nothing to worry about. One of my FAVORITE scriptures is Psalm 84:11 and 12. Anytime a door closes and I become sad (and it's okay to be disappointed and feel down. God gave us emotions. I don't think you should hide how you feel it's how you deal with it that truly matters), but whenever a door closes or i tell myself that I should have this, or that or I begin to get envious of somebody else I repeat it over and over. God's word is truth, my emotions are not. They do not indicate my future and the plans he has for me. If I continue to do my part he will do the rest. My heart's desires will become his desires for me and I will receive them and WANT THEM!! It reads,

" For the Lord God is our sun and shield. He gives us grace and glory. 

The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. 

O Lord of Heaven's Armies, what joy for those who trust in you. " 

God is in control. Not you. Not powerful people. Not your boss. Not your teacher. Not your mother or whoever else. Heaven is his throne and earth is his footstool. Rest IN him and rest assured that no matter what comes your way, he will honor those who honor him. 

Be blessed guys.

xoxo. 

One day

On my way home on Wednesday I found myself staring at the sky. It was beautiful. The sun was shining, sky was blue, a few clouds and it just looked breathtaking. It made me think about Heaven and God. I imagined him sitting on his throne, looking down on the world he created. I am sure some things made him smile and I am pretty confident that many things broke his heart. This world is so messed up. The devil is having a party here and using so many people to create havoc, pain, stress, disappointments and the like. I couldn't help but thing... why aren't you coming back now? Today? 

I remembered Peter's words. He said that God was not being slow about his promise to return, he is being patient for our sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, he wants all to repent, however he IS coming and it will be very unexpected. I smiled to myself as I meditated on the scripture and because I keep my bible on me AT ALL TIMES :) , I opened it up and did some reading. I am at peace when I study God's word. I just feel a lot better, so much closer to him. I have people say to me all the time, " If God was real wouldn't I hear him, feel him, be close to him? I've tried. I feel nothing." And my response to that is always this, " Are you spending time with him? Are you communicating with him constantly through prayer? Are you sinning?" Just like we'd say that a person cannot have a relationship with two women or two men and be faithful to both of them and give both the required affection and attention they deserve (and no it cannot be done. there is always a "main" and a "side" or whatever) It's the same way with God. We cannot be doing our own thing, sinning continually and then wondering why we don't feel as close to God as we should. 

I'll be honest with you. When i was doing things I should not do AND still going to church and reading the bible here and there, i felt NOTHING. I would pray and i felt NOTHING. I would say i trusted God but my actions said otherwise. When we trust God, we do what he says. When we trust God, our circumstances don't break us. When we trust God, we are at peace. It was only AFTER I walked away from my strongholds/sinful behaviors is when I really got to know Jesus. I reallllly got to know him. And he is simply wonderful. He is so forgiving, so loving. It's mind blowing to know that he knows EVERYTHING i have ever done and he still loves me. He knows every bad decision, every hurt, every lie. He knows it all and he sees me as spotless in his sight now. That makes me wanna shout honestly!!! I just love him and I am so thankful for his patience. His patience gave me time to rededicate my life to him. 

Peter's advice to us believers who are waiting for his return is this: Make every effort to be found living peaceful lives that are pure and blameless in his sight. Be on guard so that we won't be carried away, and grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (2 Peter 3). I encourage you to re-read the book of Peter tonight. The world we live in is tough. Things happen that we don't understand, living in a fallen world means that will be the case. The devil has been using people as puppets for so long, getting us to do his will rather than God's. God won't ever force anybody to do anything. He is God, but he gave us free will. He wanted to create people, not robots. Some people do good with their free will and others wreak havoc and destruction with theirs. 

Let's not blame God for what is happening in this world, but yet still we choose not to talk about him openly. He's taken out of schools, even some churches aren't preaching biblical truth. A time is coming where there will be no more pain, no more suffering and I will be able to sit at my Savior's feet, kiss him and listen to him as he speaks. A time where I could walk and not have to worry about my safety. A time where I would never feel rejection, hurt or disappointment again. Heaven and the new earth will be awesome. He will create all new things and my body will be glorious! Praise God. I am so deeply in love, ya'll have no idea man. He is so faithful... so very faithful. Don't be shaken by the things happening around you. Rest. He is coming. Lord Jesus come.  

xoxo