Dear Overwhelmed

Have you ever felt like you've had enough? How about drained to the point where you want to forget everything and give up? This semester I've been extremely busy. Although I've had some exciting things happen (officially off the market :)) I've had some difficult moments. Today I sensed a break down coming if I didn't do something about it. I had a scholars' meeting today on campus and as I looked in my planner and everything I had to do for next week and the next two months; my heart began racing and I literally felt as though I was trapped in a small room and the walls were closing in on me. I had class assignments, proposals, graduate assistant assignments, research, exams and meetings on my mind. I had PLZ-SHINE responsibilities on my mind since Taja and I are trying to get the ball rolling there. I had my mom's health, finances and other concerns on my mind that would be about a page long if I began sharing them all (so I won't). "Word son, you bit off way more than you can chew." I told myself. I left the meeting smiling but inside I was crying. I was worried. I was scared and I was overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed. Scared of failing. Scared of breaking down. Worried that I won't do well this semester. Worried about my family and friends. I was and still am overwhelmed with it all. It's a lot. A Ph.D. program is NOT easy. It's more than going to class and studying for exams.Plus, I still have a life outside of school or at least I need to have a life outside. I have friendships and relationships that need attention as well. Thankfully, I have a few understanding friends who recognize that I am doing a lot and their encouragement, prayers and love means so much to me.

I came home for a few hours and I knew I needed to get on my knees and spend time in prayer. I felt horrible. I turned on some worship music for a little bit to get my mind centered on Jesus and I closed my eyes, sang the song and stayed there for a few minutes. I began talking to God. "Lord, I need you right now. I need to feel you because right now I don't and it scares me. Why am I feeling this overwhelmed? Remind me that you are my peace. Remind me that worrying does not add a single thing to my life. I preach this to everybody else, Lord. Why am I overwhelmed right now? Help me." That was the first time really praying for myself in awhile. It was my first time being honest about how I was handling things. See I was avoiding this. I could tell I was beginning to feel overwhelmed prior to today, but I was not honest with God. I prayed for everybody else except myself. Why? Perhaps because I felt the feeling would pass. Honestly, I think it had a lot to do with me not wanting to cry during my prayer time. Being completely open and honest out loud with God has always been a struggle area: guilt from my past or feeling like he had bigger problems to deal with made me avoid coming to him on my behalf. I'd always go to him for somebody else though. Today I still prayed for my loved ones but I was honest with him and told him exactly how I felt. I cried. I'm a 24 year old Ph.D. student with some huge responsibilities, living on my own away from family and it's hard. I'm still navigating life and finding my way and learning who I am as young woman, but most importantly as a daughter of  a King. I don't have all the answers, but honestly sometimes I feel like people expect me to. I get a ton of emails daily school related and outside and finding a balance is hard. I need God's guidance, wisdom, his peace that surpasses all human understanding, his love, strength. I also wanted to know that my work won't be a waste. How do I know I'm really fulfilling my God given purpose? God are you still with me? The last thing I said during my prayer time was: " Jesus you said you don't give as the world gives. Your peace is different. You said that I should not be afraid because you've overcome this world. We were not created to be stressed out, running around,driving ourselves crazy. We were created to have a relationship with you, with others and to take care of this world you created. Help me not to stress but enjoy the blessings and people you've given to me, but please...help me because I want to give up.

After this, I wiped my eyes and turned on some music on my phone. I went to itunes and I could see that Donnie's "I stand" was going to play but it did not. It skipped and went to another song, "Nobody greater" and that skipped too. I was like okkkkk. I checked something on my phone and came back to it because it looked as though it just needed time to load up (probably a wifi issue). When I opened the app again, Smokie Norful's " I understand" began playing.....

If you don't know the song, listen to the lyrics please. It was as if God was speaking directly to me through that song. He was telling me to trust him, that he understood how I was feeling, that I should not give up and that he was preparing me. The tears began to flow. Wow God. You continue to blow my mind. I'm so thankful that he uses all avenues and people in my life to speak to me. He loves me. He sees me. He understands what I'm going through: every problem, every burden...he's still with me, even when I feel extremely overwhelmed. Do I still feel overwhelmed? Yes, I have A LOT to do. But I no longer feel alone. I know he knows that I have a lot going on. This is not a surprise to him. All my days have been written already. God does not change. He remains the same which means he is still faithful.

He helped me realize an area of growth though. Back in the day, when I was stressed out I would either sleep it off (try to), call somebody and seek help from them or hold it all in. This time when I sensed that things were getting worse, I entered his presence. I went to him first. I did not call my parents, significant other, or even a best friend and pour my feelings out to them. Not saying you shouldn't, but we need to remember that they are humans too, as frail as breath. When you're overwhelmed, stressed, worried, broken...pour your heart out to Jesus first. He is the lover of your soul and he wants us to. Come to me all who are weary with heavy burdens he said. Why is it so hard for us to do so? It's because we can't see him honestly, at least I believe so. Coming to Jesus requires faith. Faith that although we can't see him or even hear him that he is there, loving us, strengthening us, equipping us for our journey here on earth. For the rest of the semester, I am going to try really hard to remember that scripture. I need him. Every hour of the day . I can't do this without him. I don't even want to try. Praying for anyone overwhelmed today....

God bless
Nto

Classy, Purposeful and Walking in God's Favor Challenge: Hannah

Read Hannah's story in 1 Samuel chapters 1 and 2 before reading the blog :)

I figured out a way to make my blogs shorter! (Praise the Lord because I can write and talllllllk at times lol) If I let my readers read the scriptures on their own,  I won't have to go into too much detail. Why didn't I think about this before? (Don't judge me, my brain has a million things going on all at once) So let's dive in shall we. I'm excited! I love this story :)

Recap: Elkanah had two wives, Peninnah and Hannah. Penninah bore him children and Hannah did not. Penninah made fun of Hannah and treated her poorly because she was barren. What's interesting is that Elkanah loved Hannah more, but despite this, Hannah still wanted a child badly and was in deep anguish because of it. She prayed and prayed for a child and promised that she would give him back to the Lord if he blessed her with one. She got pregnant, she rejoiced and she kept her word. Her baby was called Samuel.

Have you ever wanted something badly? I'm talking about wanting something so badly that you probably had eating, sleeping and relationship difficulties because you lacked whatever it was and it was constantly on your mind. The scriptures said that Hannah was in deep anguish and prayed weeping bitterly to the Lord. She was broken. Isn't it funny that she had her husband's love but it was not enough? (but that's another post) What I want to point out and focus on for the purpose of this blog are her actions. Hannah prayed. She may have been balling her eyes out and depressed, but she prayed her heart out to God. She cried out to him. Have you ever cried out to God? Why is it that we usually use prayer as a last resort? We attempt to seek answers from everybody else or comfort from everyone else before seeking God. "But I don't hear God, he's not going to listen to me!" Really? Because my bible says that if I seek him wholeheartedly he will be found. My bible says the hairs on my head are numbered and I am worth way more than a sparrow. My bible also provides stories of Jesus healing people and bringing them back to life because he was filled with compassion when he saw them weeping. I truly believe God sees and he hears. Every bone in my body believes it, but that was not always the case. In order to know who God is we need to spend time with him, we need to pray.

I admire Hannah so much. You have no idea. Here is a woman, broken to the core, depressed, being teased and belittled all the time because she is without a child and she takes her pain and her needs to God Almighty. She does not complain to her husband. She does not fight back Penninah. She prays. She prays. She prays. Wow. Talk about a strong woman. What would you have done? In addition to humility and an attitude of obedience/servanthood (last post), I am also asking God to give me a praying spirit like Hannah. I want to be able to cry out to him, despite my tears, despite a broken heart, despite the talking behind my back or even to my face. I want to face all that by surrendering to him. I don't want to deal with all of that alone. I don't have to. The invitation is available ... Come to me all who are heavy with burdens... I will give you rest. Nothing in this world can satisfy. He is it. Trust me, i'm pretty sure I've tried everything except drugs and I've seen firsthand that drugs don't satisfy either.

In addition to a praying spirit, I think we should also ask God to give us the strength and desire to keep our word AFTER we receive what we so desperately prayed for. Let's be honest. How many times have you made a promise to God that you did not keep? If you won't be honest I will. I can think of a few things. So thankful that his grace and love knows no bounds and he forgives and gives second, third and fourth etc. chances. Hannah said she would give her son back to the Lord and she did. And guess what? He blessed her with MORE children. Praise God! He is so faithful. He blows my mind, honestly. I am still trying to understand his character. He is officially THE BEST!

This was an important challenge for me. He totally opened up my eyes awhile back. I felt him nudging me to just lay in my bed and talk to him. Like I would talk to a friend. Say it out loud, not just in my heart. "Lord, today was a rough day man. I don't feel like I can do this anymore. God why is it that my heart always ends up broken or rejected? Lord it hurts. I'm worried about....." I'm done using him as a last resort. I pray about any and everything now. I pray over my papers, my conversations with people, my safety, my family and those who hurt me. Yes, I pray for people I don't even speak to anymore. I also pray for my future family. Best believe I'm including some prayers for my future husband (Lord please give him the desire to seek you/continue seeking you) and my kids (Lord please don't let them be bad or let delivery hurt too bad, I am not eve ha! lol) I encourage you to set aside time to just pray to God this week. Each day. He wants to hear from you. He is waiting for you. He wants your heart. Seek him above all else. Cry out to him like Hannah and walk in his favor.

Love you all.
Nto

Classy, Purposeful and Walking in God's Favor Challenge: Mary, the mother of Jesus

As I sat here and thought about beginning this challenge, I was led to Mary, the mother of Jesus. How could I begin it with anybody else? This was the woman who found favor in God's eyes. What does that mean? It means God gave her special regard, he showed exceptional kindness and generosity to her because she pleased him.

Luke 1:26-38 shares the story of Mary and the angel who appeared to her and informed her about her soon to be pregnancy. I can only imagine what that must have been like. Think about it for awhile. Mary was a young woman, in the process of probably planning her wedding to Joseph. Even if she was not planning or overly excited about it, marrying him was probably her main focus during that time. As women we tend to be planners. We plan our attire, careers, and family life. Some even go as far as planning their weddings before being found by their husbands. I'm sure Mary's first mental reaction was "Woa, this was not a part of the plan. What does this angel mean by I am highly favored? What's happening here?" According to the Word, Mary asked ONE question pertaining to the news she was given, "How will this be, since I am a virgin?" Once the angel told her how, through the power of the Holy Spirit, she simply responded, "I am the Lord's servant. May your word to me be fulfilled."

WOW! That's it Mary? Sad to say, many of us would probably have asked a few more questions. If you won't be honest and admit it, I will. I would have wanted to know what people were going to say once my belly started to grow. I also would have asked the angel if God was sure he wanted me to do the job. In addition to that, what about Joseph? Will this man believe me? What will happen to my wedding? But Mary did not ask any of these questions. She accepted God's promise and pretty much said, "Alright Lord, whatever you say goes. I am available to you. "

Mary's humility is astonishing and it is a great example for all women of God. We should aspire to be have this form of humility and submission in relation to our Savior. Despite our professional jobs, high degrees (which are not bad), our first priority should always be being available to God, even if it means saying goodbye to something we wanted, something we planned for. Like Mary we too should say, "I am your servant." 

It's also important to note that Mary conceived through the power of the Holy Spirit. Many of us neglect the Holy Spirit and believe that God only manifested his strength and power in bible days. Wrong! Instead, we rely on ourselves or others to make things happen. We place all of our trust in what we have, what we know, who we know etc. Greater is he that is in you than he who is in the world. Do you remember that? Do you believe that? Don't place all your trust in your jobs, education or social status. People lose jobs like they lose pennies. It's really not promised. Trust God above all things. It does not matter at the of the day who you are. Yes, I am in a PhD program and God willing, I will be Dr. Malone (or insert married last name here if it happens) however, my title means absolutely nothing in God's eyes. He used fishermen and prostitutes (Rahab) to do his work before. God does not need my title to do big things in my life. What matters is who HE IS and because of who he is, and who I am because of HIM and ONLY HIM, I can trust that once I trust him, follow his commandments, his purpose for my life will be accomplished. The angel told Mary, "For no word from God will ever fail!" Note it, remember it and stick it wherever you need to see it everyday. God's word does not fail!

So can you be a professional, modern day, boss like lady and still have an attitude like Mary? Absolutely. It's what I am striving for. Having a spirit like Mary is simply living a life in humility and placing God's will for your life above your own and anybody else's.

I am Sarai

Many people look down on Sarai/Sarah or they know her as the woman who laughed at God's promise, the woman who made her husband sleep with her servant so she could have a baby or the woman who treated that servant harshly after she had her own son. However, if we were all honest with ourselves, we all would admit that we are Sarai's and Sarah's. Our desire to be obedient to God's will sometimes creates a spirit of restlessness. We get overly excited about God's promises to us and that spirit of excitement which by itself is a good thing becomes a distraction, stirs up an impatient attitude and/or discontentment. Prior to God's promise we were upset or discontent that we lacked our heart's desire. Once we received his word and a peace in our heart that it will come to pass we then become discontent that we don't have it currently. We become restless and impatient and God's plans for our lives suddenly becomes our plans because let's face it, sometimes God simply takes too long (according to our agendas and mind)

Sarai and Abram were told that they would receive a son, however we all know that Sarai gave her servant, Hagar, to her husband as a secondary wife so she could bare him a son. Tired of waiting, she took matters into her own hands and we know how that turned out. Once Hagar became pregnant, their relationship became one with contempt and abuse. Hagar ran away as a result of it. Once Sarai, now Sarah bore Isaac things did not improve. Her restlessness and acting in her own power and strength, rather than waiting produced disastrous results.

The need to take control and manipulate situations to align with our needs and desires instead of God's will; results in chaos, heartbreaks and confusion. 

When we try to accomplish God's plan for our lives in our own timing and in our own way, although we still will receive his plan for our lives because it is HIS purpose, by rushing the process we end up causing unnecessary pain along the way. We persuade others to come along in our plan instead of his, we no longer live as loving, faithful followers but may turn to plotting against or with others and become abusive schemers (Genesis 16:6). 

Saying yes to God's plan for our lives and saying yes to him as your Lord and Savior is NEVER the hard part. The waiting on him and for that promise is. 

We may look around and see people outside God's will accomplishing great things. They seem happy with these perfect lives. They have the relationships, the jobs, the money, the marriages, the children etc. and we begin to question him. We question whether or not he's forgotten us or if he's even there. We question if we are doing something wrong or received the wrong promise. Personally, I have always struggled in relationships. I always desired marriage, however ever so often as relationships and friendships fail, people make choices that disappoint and/or I find myself without a beau on new year's eve I question God and whether or not his plan for my life is singleness. As we question God, we may fall short at times. However, I am so thankful that he is still so faithful. 

Far too often we rely on people and ourselves to accomplish HIS plan for our life. Don't ever forget that God alone is God. He is ultimately in control. The medical exam results may say otherwise, that man or woman who does not want you may say otherwise but as believers we are called to trust in God and lean not on our own understanding. Don't put your hope in mere mortals who are as frail as you are. It's never easy waiting, however if you are in a waiting period there is a reason. Ask God to show you and speak to you during that season. Don't let your excitement turn into restlessness. 

We all can learn a few things from Sarah and Abraham. We learn that it is always best to wait on God and trust him. We learn that nothing is too improbable or impossible for his sovereignty and power. We learn that ALL things even our sins and shortcomings can work together for good. We learn that he is faithful and keeps his word. 

I pray that regardless of what you are waiting on today or this new year, 2014..I pray that you wait in HIM, lean ON him and keep focused. Don't be restless, don't laugh at his promises and believe your situation is far too gone for the Almighty to work with. His power works best in your weaknesses anyway. No matter how your year ended... with a heart filled with joy, a heart with a few scars or a heart broken in pieces, I pray that you find restoration, peace and love in the Lover of your soul, Jesus. Until you feel that love because let's be honest, at times we don't FEEL it and we sit alone, miserable and teary eyed stressing over problems outside of our control or over people who aren't stressing over us..until you feel his peace, presence and love, just whisper his name as often as needed. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus"...something happens when he's called. 

Happy New Year everyone! Make it great. xoxo 

My first Semester

Colossians 3:23-24

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." 

My first semester in my doctoral program is complete! Round of applause, say a prayer and thank Jesus!! Whew. You guys have no idea how much this program challenged me and caused me to question my capabilities and whether or not this was something I really wanted to do and most importantly whether it was God's plan for me. My biggest regret is that I did not blog throughout my studies. However, it's a learning process and next semester I will commit to blogging at least once or twice a month. Please keep me in your prayers and if you notice that I am not doing so call me out on it. Next semester will be busier than the first, but I can do all things through Christ. Plus, i truly believe he wants me to write and encourage more. My heart breaks to think that someone somewhere received encouragement through my blogs and once I stopped that encouragement could no longer be provided. 

The text I wrote above is for anyone struggling on a job, in a class, program, or struggling staying at home etc. It says whatever you do. It does not say some jobs, some titles, or A job meaning you have to be employed. It says whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as if you were working for the Creator of the Universe. Now stop for a second, if you were working for the Lord would you give your best, your worst or somewhere in between? I personally would make an effort to give my best. My job could be to clean his toilet. If it was God's toilet, I would make sure that toilet was bleached, scrubbed and smelling good. I would not complain or grumble because my focus would not be on the task itself. It would be on him. 

This semester made me question so many things. At times I found myself angry and regretting that I was here. Can you believe it? I asked God for this and the opportunity I asked him for I was complaining about. Just like we may ask God for a spouse and then we complain about the disagreements or the bad habits and make them bigger than they really need to be. As humans, we are so incredibly difficult to please. There is nothing wrong with feeling discouraged or wanting to give up. At times we will be placed in situations that are difficult to work in or people who are difficult to work with or for. But what does God's word say? It says to walk into that situation as if God was your boss. Walk into that classroom as if God was your teacher. Write that paper as if God would be grading it. Give it your all. Work hard. We tend to think that only pastors, preachers, missionaries and gospel artists are people who work for the Lord. One of the devil's lie. As a christian, you work for the Lord as a student, accountant, doctor, housewife, police officer etc. You represent Christ at all times..every day of the week. You don't even have to witness "verbally" to someone to tell them about our Savior. 

People are watching how you LIVE. They are observing how you handle difficult people, situations. They are observing how you treat someone who could do everything for you and who can do absolutely nothing for you. They are observing how you respond to them when they disrespect your Lord and say how crazy you are for believing etc. Will you respond in love? Or will you also lash out and begin a social media war with them because of disagreement? I had a disagreement with a very close friend of mine who I love dearly earlier this week. We were both so passionate about our beliefs and we kept going on and on. We are also both Christian. I know I could have handled that situation better. Perhaps he could have as well. However, the only person I am in control of is me. I should have responded lovingly to him. My thoughts and even my sarcastic comments did not represent Christ. It represented someone who was angry and disappointed that my thoughts were not being heard. 

So why should we work as if we are working for the Lord and representing him at all times? The text explains because we know (believers) we will receive our inheritance from God as our reward. At the end of the day... we are serving God when we serve others. My first semester was a success. I received good grades and I am beyond happy about that, however I have a greater reward waiting for me some day. One I look forward to receiving. I pray that regardless of the situations you may find yourself in, you will serve God. Keep those eyes focused. Pray always and remain thankful. I love you all! 

Cheers to having some free time! LOL 

xoxo 

The closer I walk with God, the closer he walks with me!

August 26th is the day! I will officially be a year older and so much has changed since my last birthday! I'm in a completely different state (I moved to Mississippi ya'll lol) and I began my doctorate program in Higher Education Administration to name a few. This past year has been exciting, scary, sad, joyful and stressful at times. Let's just say it's been an interesting ride and many things were revealed to me as I spent most of my time reflecting and growing closer to Jesus.

I made changes in my life prior to my 23rd birthday because some changes had to take place. I had highs and lows and I knew in my heart I was not fulfilling God's purpose and plan for me. For my 23rd birthday I bought a Life Application Study bible and got serious about studying God's word and I finally placed all my energy into pursuing a relationship with him instead of a guy. Now don't get me wrong, prior to this I prayed, I read scriptures here and there, I went to church and I tweeted "Thank you Lord etc." but I was not intimate with  him. I didn't "Know" him. Now I look back on situations and I can see God's hands all over it, but at the time I didn't. You'll hear me say over and over again, "He was looking out for me long before I gave him my heart." That's comforting to me. He knew that although I was not where I needed to be personally, spiritually or professionally at that time that one day I would be completely in love with him and growing as a young woman. That's why we should never be so quick to judge someone even if they are a train wreck waiting to happen. Their today is not necessarily their tomorrow. On Monday they may be okay settling and making wrong decisions but on Wednesday afternoon they may make those necessary changes. How you treat them during those train wreck moments can make a difference in who they become. Other times, it may take them hitting rock bottom before change takes place (This is usually the hardest to recover from) However, as the authors of the book "Kingdom woman" tell us (Tony Evans and Crystal Hurst) "Sometimes God allows situations that only he can fix, so that you will KNOW he is the one who fixed it."

Have you ever had a situation where you thought to yourself, " There is no way I can recover. Why even bother? I can't change. This is me. This is what I do. I'm always getting hurt or making mistakes. I have the worst luck/life ever. My heart will never be the same. I will never trust or laugh again?" I've been there. Honestly, at times I still find myself there. It's in those situations that God can truly reveal himself to you if you simply surrender. That's the thing you know. People always say, "Don't worry, God can fix it. Have faith etc." but what we fail to recognize is that we have to place ourselves in a position for him to work and do his thing. We need to SURRENDER. It's like we are drowning and gasping for air half the time but we refuse to let go of the things pulling us under. If we would just let it go. If only.

I started letting go of some things slowly but surely for the past two years. I had to learn to let go of some people, some activities, a usual way of thinking and how I viewed the world. When I blew out my candles on my birthday cake a year ago (my sister hooked me up. love her!!) I didn't make a wish, I said a prayer. I asked God to continue to reveal himself to me and make me over. I needed a complete transformation. I didn't need to make over my appearance or hair (even though I changed that often as well lol don't judge), but my heart, my mind and who I was as a young woman. I knew that if I was going to achieve all I wanted to and if I wanted to be a wife, mother and a respected professional I needed to be, think and act better. Was I a horrible person? I don't think so although some may disagree but I wasn't trying to be average or just good. I wanted to be Christ like and virtuous. I read Proverbs 31 many times, studied Ruth, Esther, Hannah, Deborah, and Mary (both of them)but most importantly, Jesus. I encourage any woman who is on a journey of walking in God's purpose to study their lives. Don't just read, but make notes and look for areas in your life where you could begin applying the same principles. The christian life is not simply a destination. It's more than accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.. It's a way of LIVING. It's DOING. It's LOVING. It gives.

So now that I am turning 24 what have I learned? I've learned that living a life that pleases God is not always easy. I've learned so much about myself after removing certain things that it's semi scary. (trust me when you surrender, some things are revealed to you. it's as if your rose colored glasses slowly come off). I've learned that regardless of the changes you make some people will STILL see the old you and test you. But as James said, consider it pure joy when you face trials. The testing of your faith will produce perseverance. I also learned that not everyone who throws some scriptures around truly knows God or desires to know him. Hence why discernment and wisdom is so important. It's okay to laugh, dress nicely and still love Jesus.

As I said, major changes this 24th birthday! I never expected to move to Mississippi of all places. It's exciting to imagine what my life would be like next birthday. It is a little scary. Not knowing how things could be is frightening. But one thing I do know is that when I draw near to God, he comes closer to me as well and knowing that gives me peace.

Looking forward to what age 24 has in store!!!!!

Be blessed!

For you

" So we don't look at the troubles we can see now, rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. "

2 Corinthians 4:11 

I want you to stop reading this for a second and read the entire chapter (chapter 4) if you don't want to read it before reading this, at least read it after. Oh how difficult it is to hold on to hope when facing troubles. At times we look around at our situation, troubles and trials we face and we want to give up. We want to stop trying, stop fighting...sometimes even...stop living. As a professional trained in psychology and counseling I have seen it. Unfortunately, many people either don't want to talk about the fact that they may have suicidal thoughts because of embarrassment or fear of appearing weak. Many people have thoughts about "not waking up" more than you think... it's an issue that needs to be addressed and talked about. But that's another blog. 

Life is not easy. I wish it was at times. There are many times I too feel like giving up. As I sit here and write this after reflecting on a conversation I had with a friend earlier I recall my broken moments. The days it was impossible for me to eat because I cried so much. The nights I tossed and turned because turning my brain off was seemingly impossible. The nights I took sleep aids to get some rest. The days I wish I could just sleep., curled up on the living room floor in tears because the burden was too heavy and I did not know where to begin. The moments I hated looking at myself in the mirror because all I saw was sin, mistake after mistake, rejection and hurt. I look at my life now and although it is FAR from perfect, I have seen so much growth and improvement. Nobody but God. My heart goes out to anyone who is hurting tonight and I know someone, somewhere feels like giving up. 

Maybe you are walking with Christ or trying to and you feel like you are not good enough. Your sin is too great, your past too dirty to make changes. Maybe you are looking at other people's walk and unhappy with yourself because you are not there yet (wherever they are or appear to be) or maybe you are struggling with being "perfect" and pleasing everyone around you. Perhaps you are struggling with emotions or just downright sick and tired of living in this world. Feelings of frustration, stress, guilt, being overwhelmed are consuming you. 

The battle has already been won. Nobody can destroy what God has already accomplished in you. I repeat, NOBODY and NOTHING can destroy what God has already accomplished in you and wants to DO IN YOU, WITH YOU and FOR YOU. REST. Our heavenly father sent his one and only Son for us! Because of him we can fix our eyes on something we cannot see during our hard times...spending eternity with him someday. We have to remember that our troubles we face now will not last forever. Greater is he that is in you. Repeat it over and over until it sticks. 

If all of our lives were perfect there would be no need for faith. At times I believe God allows certain things to take place and for us to feel a certain way so that we can remember that we NEED him...that he and he alone should be what we depend on the most. At times i get lonely (not as often now..but every once in awhile I do) I feel like nobody is listening to me or I don't quite know if I am being helpful or showing others the love of Christ. However, we can never see the seed that we plant as it grows. But one day... it becomes a plant..and we see it emerge.Praise God! You may think that you have not made progress. Quit looking at everyone else around you including your trials and keep those eyes focused on Jesus and your future home. It brings me such peace imagining my mansion up in heaven! Pure joy! 

Is it easy? Heck no! But just because it's not easy does that mean you should not try and do it? Absolutely not! It's time for us to quit living based on how we feel and start living on what we know! And what do you know? If you are a believer you know that Christ came and died for you. You know that he promised he will return for you to take you home. You know that God said, never will he leave you nor forsake you. You know that he honors those who honor him and no good thing he withholds from those whose walk is blameless. You know that he loves you...oh how he LOVES YOU! Cling to him. Cry out to him. There are many times when I get in my bag *taja voice* I talk to him real. It's always done in reverence but i'm honest..." Lord, I am really lonely right now, but i don't want to turn to anyone else in my loneliness...help me to turn to you." 

Why are we hiding from our Creator? Why can't we come to him as we are...broken, humiliated, rejected, stressed out, a train wreck, lonely and humbly bow down at his feet and say "MAKE ME OVER!" "Take the mess and junk from inside of me and pour more of YOU LORD into ME. I want YOU. ALL of YOU. " Heads hung low, hands raised high.. in total submission before the Father...thanking him for all he's done, all he's doing and what he's ABOUT TO DO! Because he wants to do some MAJOR things in you, with you and for you. Stay available. Open your heart. Tell the holy spirit to feed you. Abide in him and in his word NOT In your troubles, NOT in how you feel and NOT in what you SEE. Believe it. Believe him... I am praying for you. 

xoxo