Have you ever felt like you've had enough? How about drained to the point where you want to forget everything and give up? This semester I've been extremely busy. Although I've had some exciting things happen (officially off the market :)) I've had some difficult moments. Today I sensed a break down coming if I didn't do something about it. I had a scholars' meeting today on campus and as I looked in my planner and everything I had to do for next week and the next two months; my heart began racing and I literally felt as though I was trapped in a small room and the walls were closing in on me. I had class assignments, proposals, graduate assistant assignments, research, exams and meetings on my mind. I had PLZ-SHINE responsibilities on my mind since Taja and I are trying to get the ball rolling there. I had my mom's health, finances and other concerns on my mind that would be about a page long if I began sharing them all (so I won't). "Word son, you bit off way more than you can chew." I told myself. I left the meeting smiling but inside I was crying. I was worried. I was scared and I was overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed. Scared of failing. Scared of breaking down. Worried that I won't do well this semester. Worried about my family and friends. I was and still am overwhelmed with it all. It's a lot. A Ph.D. program is NOT easy. It's more than going to class and studying for exams.Plus, I still have a life outside of school or at least I need to have a life outside. I have friendships and relationships that need attention as well. Thankfully, I have a few understanding friends who recognize that I am doing a lot and their encouragement, prayers and love means so much to me.
I came home for a few hours and I knew I needed to get on my knees and spend time in prayer. I felt horrible. I turned on some worship music for a little bit to get my mind centered on Jesus and I closed my eyes, sang the song and stayed there for a few minutes. I began talking to God. "Lord, I need you right now. I need to feel you because right now I don't and it scares me. Why am I feeling this overwhelmed? Remind me that you are my peace. Remind me that worrying does not add a single thing to my life. I preach this to everybody else, Lord. Why am I overwhelmed right now? Help me." That was the first time really praying for myself in awhile. It was my first time being honest about how I was handling things. See I was avoiding this. I could tell I was beginning to feel overwhelmed prior to today, but I was not honest with God. I prayed for everybody else except myself. Why? Perhaps because I felt the feeling would pass. Honestly, I think it had a lot to do with me not wanting to cry during my prayer time. Being completely open and honest out loud with God has always been a struggle area: guilt from my past or feeling like he had bigger problems to deal with made me avoid coming to him on my behalf. I'd always go to him for somebody else though. Today I still prayed for my loved ones but I was honest with him and told him exactly how I felt. I cried. I'm a 24 year old Ph.D. student with some huge responsibilities, living on my own away from family and it's hard. I'm still navigating life and finding my way and learning who I am as young woman, but most importantly as a daughter of a King. I don't have all the answers, but honestly sometimes I feel like people expect me to. I get a ton of emails daily school related and outside and finding a balance is hard. I need God's guidance, wisdom, his peace that surpasses all human understanding, his love, strength. I also wanted to know that my work won't be a waste. How do I know I'm really fulfilling my God given purpose? God are you still with me? The last thing I said during my prayer time was: " Jesus you said you don't give as the world gives. Your peace is different. You said that I should not be afraid because you've overcome this world. We were not created to be stressed out, running around,driving ourselves crazy. We were created to have a relationship with you, with others and to take care of this world you created. Help me not to stress but enjoy the blessings and people you've given to me, but please...help me because I want to give up.
After this, I wiped my eyes and turned on some music on my phone. I went to itunes and I could see that Donnie's "I stand" was going to play but it did not. It skipped and went to another song, "Nobody greater" and that skipped too. I was like okkkkk. I checked something on my phone and came back to it because it looked as though it just needed time to load up (probably a wifi issue). When I opened the app again, Smokie Norful's " I understand" began playing.....
If you don't know the song, listen to the lyrics please. It was as if God was speaking directly to me through that song. He was telling me to trust him, that he understood how I was feeling, that I should not give up and that he was preparing me. The tears began to flow. Wow God. You continue to blow my mind. I'm so thankful that he uses all avenues and people in my life to speak to me. He loves me. He sees me. He understands what I'm going through: every problem, every burden...he's still with me, even when I feel extremely overwhelmed. Do I still feel overwhelmed? Yes, I have A LOT to do. But I no longer feel alone. I know he knows that I have a lot going on. This is not a surprise to him. All my days have been written already. God does not change. He remains the same which means he is still faithful.
He helped me realize an area of growth though. Back in the day, when I was stressed out I would either sleep it off (try to), call somebody and seek help from them or hold it all in. This time when I sensed that things were getting worse, I entered his presence. I went to him first. I did not call my parents, significant other, or even a best friend and pour my feelings out to them. Not saying you shouldn't, but we need to remember that they are humans too, as frail as breath. When you're overwhelmed, stressed, worried, broken...pour your heart out to Jesus first. He is the lover of your soul and he wants us to. Come to me all who are weary with heavy burdens he said. Why is it so hard for us to do so? It's because we can't see him honestly, at least I believe so. Coming to Jesus requires faith. Faith that although we can't see him or even hear him that he is there, loving us, strengthening us, equipping us for our journey here on earth. For the rest of the semester, I am going to try really hard to remember that scripture. I need him. Every hour of the day . I can't do this without him. I don't even want to try. Praying for anyone overwhelmed today....
God bless
Nto
