Yes, I said it. Truth is, I think a lot of people care about what others think, but many pretend that they don't. Just like the people who rant and proclaim how gorgeous they are, and how great they are, are usually the ones with a great deal of insecurity issues. My struggle area (one of them) has always been people-pleasing. If everyone could be happy around me I'd love it. I have a really hard time saying "No, I can't do that," or "I really have too much on my plate right now, could you find someone else to help you?" Last semester, and even this summer, I pretty much bit off a little more than I could chew simply because I didn't know how to say no and because I don't know how to ask for help. My mother jokes around ever so often letting me know how independent I am. In my mind I am far from independent, but when I think about it some more, I really am. I would rather go without than asking for help. I'd rather suffer silently, then let someone know I'm hurting or in pain (emotionally) because I should have it together right? I mean, I have two degrees in Psychology and Counseling and I'm working on my third. If I don't have the answers who does right? ...Wrong.
My people pleasing has a lot to do with me caring about what others think. Now to an extent, we should care about how we appear. We are (if you are a believer) a representative of Christ. However, my caring tends to go to another level...an unhealthy level...borderline obsession almost...to the point where I would rather hide in my space (room, keep my thoughts to myself etc) then go out and be seen by the public. It's me taking my introvert qualities to the extreme. I remember being in relationships in the past and saying yes to things I wanted to say no to. I remember being scared to actually rededicate my life to Christ because of what friends or people who knew some of the things I used to do would say. "Oh now, you wanna be a for real christian? you forgot when you did this x,y,z or when you encouraged me to do x,y,z?" Those thoughts and fears consumed me. I did get some backlash, I will admit. Today, not as much (probably because they see my walk with Christ is serious and not a "phase" it's been a few years :) Praise him!) But i passed those tests and I got through it. I relied on prayer and even just allowing time to pass to get through it. I was so excited when I realized the day I no longer cared what people who didn't believe in Jesus said about me. I felt like I won a medal. Thank you Jesus! I no longer worry about others. The stronghold is broken!!!! Until I realized other Christians could create those same fears...
What? It's not over? Are you telling me that I STILL have this problem? Why, Lord? Why? Now for the record, there are some believers and church groups who breathe on passing judgment and as a result of all their rules of what you can wear, do, like, listen to, or how to walk in a pair of heels...they scare unbelievers away. Heck, they scare me. But on the other hand, there are times where I feel (based on what somebody may say, or how they may look at me) that they think the worst of me or disagree with something I do or say. In other instances, our differences add to my fear and worry. I remember dreading being a pastor's wife (when someone said that could be my life). My response was instantly, "Oh I'm not pastor's wife material." Where did that come from? Several places: other believers, society, and my own fears.
I've felt like I needed to be in a box and if I didn't do things the way other christians do things then I was wrong. I'm in tears just thinking about it because fitting in, finding acceptance, and most importantly finding love was a concern of mine. I don't know about you guys, but people can be mean. I remember being a young girl, probably like 12 years old and I was in sabbath school at church. I had a nice dress on, no sleeves and it was pretty. I loved it. An older teacher pulled me to the side and told me I shouldn't wear it again. I needed to be more covered. Note, my parents saw me leave. I left with them. Needless to say, my mom was pissed. My parents saw nothing wrong with my dress, but this "elder" in the church did. His approach was all wrong first of all, but secondly, it opened my eyes to a bunch of different things and I will never forget that feeling of being pulled to the side, being told I didn't look the part (i.e. the dress wasn't a good choice) and feeling misunderstood and wondering what all the other girls and boys thought about me that day.
Ever so often, I still feel like that little girl. Misunderstood, a christian, but still an outcast looking in because I may not look the part or do things a little different, wondering what others think about me, scared to look them in the eye because of my fears. My fears. Paul said that his goal was to please God and if he was still pleasing men, he would not be a servant of Christ. Truth is, it's impossible to please everyone. Our focus, my focus has to be pleasing God at all times. His word says to Fear him, not man. I hope my transparency encourages someone and hey, who knows, if you have encouragement for me, please do share. It's so easy to put on masks, pretending that we have our lives all together. I learned last weekend this profound truth.
The degree to which you are able to tell your story, is the degree to which you are able to heal-Stasi Eldredge
I've healed in several areas. However, I still have some healing that needs to take place. We all do. Mental freedom is so necessary. Living for God and not for man. Realizing that yea, people may talk, and hey, maybe they won't. But regardless, of whether they do or not, my hope is in Jesus and not in them. Realizing that everyone won't understand me, or even agree with some of the things I do, but as long as I know I am right with God and following his guidance I will be okay. Realizing that people would say things that may hurt me, intentional and sometimes otherwise...but what God says about me is more important. He made me the way I am for a reason. My creativity or lack thereof :), My sense of humor, my interests, my love for the beach, my love for writing, my passion to work with other young women like myself...it's all for a reason, all for HIS purpose. I'm a work in progress...and with tears in my eyes.. I am growing..and will continue to grow. Be blessed and encouraged.
xoxo
